Moe... "Dont y...'s profileMOE'S CHILLOUT. HEY...PhotosBlogListsMore Tools Help

MOE'S CHILLOUT. HEY YOU GUY'S! ("I require feeding & playing with often"....)

AM I BOVVERED THO!!! last up dated October 2008.

Moe... "Dont ya wish ya girlfriend woz hot like me".... behind every bitch,theres a man who made her that way!!

Occupation
Location
Interests
M = MAD
0 = OVER THE HILL
E = ELLEGANT....
U= UNIQUE
B= BEAUTIFUL
E= EXTROVERT
R= REAL
you cant improve on perfection,so dont try to change me!!!!
WARNING i have an attitude & no how 2 use it.
mum of the milfs!!!
"GO GET IT GIRRL,2007."
DAMN RIGHT IM GOOD IN BED I CAN SLEEP FOR DAYS !!!!
am i bovvered doe....
take me drunk,im home.
NEVER,NEVER,NEVER GIVE UP!
if only men where as satisfying as chocolate!!
sticks and stones may break my bones,but whips and chains excite me ?!
RUB ME FOR LUCK! TRUTH OR DARE.
"Happiness depends upon ourselves."!!!
i want happiness! dont you?? AM I BOVVERED THO!! dont like you!
"how very dare you".
durex cos u dont no where he's been!!
D&G=drunk & gorgeous....you'll never walk alone...practice safe sex,go screw yrself....
b.i.t.c.h babe in total control of herself.
nothing sucks like an electrolux!!
its now or never!!dont hate the player,hate the games.born free now im expensive.i do as i please,& i please those i do! purrlease me!! HOT HOT HOT....

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Red rose  Thanks for visiting!!!! 

why not write me a quick note

  saying what interested you to my site...

     Moe. Xx  Wink

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Hi peeps,i havnt been around for a while.just got chance to review my space and thought id say hello and hows you all?
May 11
the way you simply are magnifiscent,.shadow aces love.
Mar. 30
Keswrote:

TimFireworks.gif picture by kesallan

Jan. 1
Dec. 22
Madeleinewrote:
Hi Moe Just want to wish you a merry Christmas and thank you for your help
Dec. 16
BACIONI DAL ITALIA
Oct. 27
Walterwrote:
angels,heaven, animated, glitter,
May 11
Walterwrote:
My dear friend
 
Weekend You Glitter Graphics
love and hugs Walter xxx
May 9
Bob Johnwrote:
Hi, Moe, wanted to add a tune on your page, if you liked it, then brilliant, if not.............................well,  here's the link, I did want to send the original, but you'll have to settle for 'you tube version'  GET READY TO BOUNCE!!!!!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAs9n5b1-bU
 
May 8
Keswrote:
Good Morning Moe, have a great day..................Kes
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May 6

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May 11

MORNING PEEPS.......

         MY FIRST UPDATE THIS YEAR I THINK......  HI  Open-mouthed
 
 
                                                                    
 
 
          
 
WORDS OF WISDOM....
 

Life is too short to wake up with regrets

So love the people who treat you right.

 

Forget about the ones who don't.

 

Believe everything happens for a reason.

 

If you get a second chance,

grab it with both hands.

 

If it changes your life, let it.

 

Nobody said life would be easy, they just

 

Promised it would be worth it.

 

Believe... It's Possible.....

 

.............................................

 

Every thought you have,

Every action you take,

Every feeling you perceive

     is an experience.

Experiences are neither good nor evil.

Some experiences are short,

     some are long.

Some experiences will be fun,

     others will be excruciating.

Sometimes experiences seem interconnected,

     sometimes they seem random.

They are simply experiences...

 

 

 
 
November 08

BUDDHA NOV 08.

buddha2

 

GrandRapids-Wilde

 

1_257186460l

6jgf4i0

...................................................................................................................

October 13

things ive learnt

THINGS I'VE LEARNED



I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is
be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned -
that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned -
that it's a lot easier
to react than it is to think.

I've learned -
that you should always leave
loved ones withloving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -
that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned -
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something else to take its place.

I've learned -
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned -
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned -
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned -
that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned _
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be
if they believed it.

I've learned -
that your family won't always
be there for you. It may seem funny,
but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned -
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -
that it isn't always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I've learned -
that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned -
that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides
even when I don't want to.

I've learned -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned -
that sometimes you have to put
the individual ahead of their actions.


I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't be so
eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned -
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned -
that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.

I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

I've learned -
that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned -
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -
that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -
that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -
that the paradigm we live in
is not all that is offered to us.

 

I've learned -
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned -
that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

I've learned -
that although the word "love"
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.

I've learned -
that it's hard to determine
where to draw the line
between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

Beautiful poem by
Kathy Kane Hansen

used by permission

declutter your life...

15 Great Decluttering Tips

As with anything, getting rid of clutter can be made incredibly simple: just go through your stuff, one section, closet, drawer, or shelf at a time, and get rid of everything that isn’t absolutely essential, that you don’t love and use often.

Of course, simplifying a process like that isn’t terribly useful to many people who struggle with clutter. So, with that in mind, I present to you 15 fabulous tip for decluttering. These tips aren’t mine — they’re from you guys, the readers, repackaged into a useful little post.

Recently I asked you guys for your best decluttering tips … and I pulled some of the best of those (there are many more good ones I wasn’t able to use). They’re reworded here slightly, and a couple have been modified indiscriminately by me. :)

But they’re great tips nonetheless. Enjoy!

  1. Declutter for 15 minutes every day. It’s amazing how much you can get through if you just do it in small increments like this.
  2. Don’t allow things into the house in the first place. Whether you’ve begun decluttering the living space, or you’ve just completed it, stop bringing in new stuff NOW. Even if that’s ALL you do and don’t start decluttering immediately, if you can only establish one habit at a time, establish the no-more-stuff habit first. This way, when you do get to decluttering the existing stuff, you’ve already stopped making it worse. Think of bailing out a boat with a hole in it. You can bail and bail, but it won’t do anything for the leak.
  3. Donate stuff you’re decluttering, so you don’t feel bad about wasting it.
  4. Create a Joe’s Goals chart with decluttering on it — either daily, or 3 times a week. Check off the days when you declutter, and you’ll feel a great sense of accomplishment.
  5. Start at the corner by the door and move your way around the room, doing the superficial stuff first - surfaces, empy the bin etc. Repeat, but do more the 2nd time around - ie. open the cupboards.
  6. Whenever you’re boiling the kettle for tea, tidy up the kitchen. If the kitchen is tidy, tidy up the next room - it’s only 3 minutes but it keeps you on top of everything (helps if you have an Englishman’s obsession with Tea as well!)
  7. Use the “one in, two out” rule. The rule: whenever you bring in an item, you have to throw away two other items. First you cheat, by throwing out two pieces of paper, but soon you will have to move to big stuff.
  8. Make your storage space smaller and more minimal. If you have lots of storage, you’ll fill it with stuff.
  9. Clothing rule: If you haven’t worn an item in 6 months, sell or donate it.
  10. The One-Year Box. Take all your items that you unsure about getting rid of (e.g. “I might need this someday…”), put them in a box, seal it and date it for 1 year in the future. When the date comes, and you still didn’t need to open it to get anything, donate the box WITHOUT OPENING IT. You probably won’t even remember what there was in the box.
  11. Declutter one room (including any closets, desks, cabinets, etc.) before starting on the next one. Spending time in that room will feel *so* good, and it will be so easy to keep clean, that it will motivate you to do more!
  12. Keep a list in your planner labeled “Don’t Need It - Don’t Want It.” When you’re out shopping and run across some kind of gadget or other item you crave, note it down on the list. This will slow you down long enough to reconsider. Also, seeing the other things on the list that you nearly bought on impulse really helps.
  13. Internalize that your value is not in your “stuff”. It is just “stuff”. And realize that your value grows when you share your “stuff”. Hoarding is a selfish act.
  14. Have someone else (who you trust!) help you go through things. They don’t have the (sometime’s irrational) emotional attachment that you might have, but can still recognize if something should be kept.
  15. Gift everything. Books you’ve read immediately get recycled among friends, family or local libraries. If you buy a new gaming system, donate your old one – and all the games.

Simple Living Simplified: 10 Things You Can Do Today to Simplify Your Life

Simplifying can sometimes be overwhelming. The amount of stuff you have in your life and the amount of things you have to do can be too big a mountain to tackle.

But you don’t have to simplify it all at once. Do one thing at a time, and take small steps. You’ll get there, and have fun doing it.

In fact, you can do little but important things today to start living the simple life.
I was criticized a few weeks ago when I published the Simple Living Manifesto: 72 Ideas to Simplify Your Life, because many people felt the list was too long. I heard this point, and this post is my response: just the 10 most important things.

And these are not 10 difficult things, but 10 simple things that you can do today. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month. Today. Choose one and do it today. Tomorrow, choose another.

If you do these 10 things, you’ll have made great strides with little effort.

1. Make a short list. Take out a sheet of paper and fold it into a small square, perhaps 3×5 inches. Or take out an index card. Now make a short list of the 4-5 most important things in your life. What’s most important to you? What do you value most? What 4-5 things do you most want to do in your life? Simplifying starts with these priorities, as you are trying to make room in your life so you have more time for these things.

2. Drop 1 commitment. Think about all the things in your life that you’re committed to doing, and try to find one that you dread doing. Something that takes up time but doesn’t give you much value. Perhaps you’re on a team, or coaching something, or on a board or committee, or whatever. Something that you do each day or week or month that you don’t really want to do. Now take action today to drop that commitment. Call someone, send an email, telling the appropriate person or people that you just don’t have the time. You will feel relief. I’d recommend dropping all commitments that don’t contribute to your short list (from Item #1), but for today, just drop 1 commitment.

3. Purge a drawer. Or a shelf, or a countertop, or a corner of a room. Not an entire room or even an entire closet. Just one small area. You can use that small area as your base of simplicity, and then expand from there. Here’s how to purge: 1) empty everything from the drawer or shelf or corner into a pile. 2) From this pile, pick out only the most important things, the stuff you use and love. 3) Get rid of the rest. Right now. Trash it, or put it in your car to give away or donate. 4) Put the stuff you love and use back, in a neat and orderly manner.

4. Set limits. Read Haiku Productivity for more. Basically, you set limits for things you do regularly: email, RSS posts, tasks, feeds, items in your life, etc. And try to stick with the limits. Today, all you have to do is set limits for a few things in your life. Tomorrow, try to stick with them.

5. Simplify your to-do list. Take a look at your to-do list. If it’s more than 10 items long, you can probably simplify it a bit. Try to find at least a few items that can be eliminated, delegated, automated, outsourced, or ignored. Shorten the list. This is a good habit to do once a week.

6. Free up time. Simplifying your life in general is a way to free up time to do the stuff you want to do. Unfortunately, it can be hard to find time to even think about how to simplify your life. If that’s the case, free up at least 30 minutes a day for thinking about simplifying. Or alternatively, free up a weekend and think about it then. How can you free up 30 minutes a day? Just a few ideas: wake earlier, watch less TV, eat lunch at your desk, take a walk for lunch, disconnect from the Internet, do email only once today, shut off your phones, do 1 less thing each day.

7. Clear your desk. I can personally attest to the amazing feeling that a clean desk can give you. It’s such a simple thing to do, and yet it does so much for you. If your desk is covered with papers and notes and gadgets and office supplies, you might not be able to get this done today. But here are the basic steps: 1) Clear everything off your desk and put it in a pile (either in your inbox or on the floor). 2) Process the pile from top to bottom, one item at a time. Do not defer decisions on any item — deal with them immediately and quickly. 3) For each item, either file it immediately, route it to someone else, trash it, or note it on your to-do list (and put it in an “action” folder). If it’s a gadget or office supply, find a place for it in your desk drawers (or get rid of it). 4) Repeat until your pile is empty and your desk is clear. Be sure to get rid of any knick knacks. Your desk should have your computer, your inbox, perhaps a notepad, and maybe a family photo (but not many). Ahh, a clear desk! 5) From now on, put everything in your inbox, and at least once a day, process it in the same way as above.

8. Clear out your email inbox. This has the same psychological effect as a clear desk. Is your email inbox always full of read and unread messages? That’s because you’re delaying decisions on your emails. If you have 50, let’s say, or fewer emails in your inbox, you can process them all today. If you have hundreds, you should put them in a temporary folder and get to them one chunk at a time (do 20 per day or something). Here’s how you process your inbox to empty — including emails already in your inbox, and all future incoming emails: 1) process them top to bottom, one at a time, deciding and disposing of each one immediately. 2) Your choices are to delete, archive, respond immediately (and archive or delete), forward (and archive or delete), or mark it with a star (or something like that) and note it on your to-do list to respond to later (and archive). 3) Process each email like that until the inbox is empty. 4) Each time you check your email, process to empty. Ahh, an empty inbox!

9. Move slower. We rush through the day, from one task to another, from one appointment to another, until we collapse on the couch, exhausted, at the end of the day. Instead, simplify your life by doing less (see Items 1, 4 and 5) and doing them more slowly. Eat slower, drive slower, walk slower, shower slower, work slower. Be more deliberate. Be present. This isn’t something you’re going to master today, but you can start practicing today.

10. Single-task. Instead of multi-tasking, do one thing at a time. Remove all distractions, resist any urge to check email or do some other habitual task like that while you’re doing the task at hand. Stick to that one task, until you’re done. It’ll make a huge difference in both your stress level and your productivity.

 

Simple Systems: Clean Your House as You Go (with an added burst)

 

Who among us has the time or energy for housework?

Sure, we often make the time, if we don’t like living in a pig sty. But too often our homes fall into disorder, just because we are too tired or too busy to do a bunch of cleaning in our spare time.

Instead, make housework simple. Simplify your housework with two easy cleaning systems:

  1. Clean as you go. This is merely the habit of putting things where they belong, instead of leaving them somewhere to be cleaned later, as well as cleaning any little messes quickly, instead of letting the messes build up. More on this below.
  2. Burst cleaning. In my house, we call this a 30-minute cleanup, and it’s something we do on a Saturday when we don’t have much time for cleaning (which is almost every Saturday). The concept is to do a quick clean, in addition to the little cleaning you’ve done throughout the week, leaving your house (fairly) spic and span.

I’ve talked about the concept of clean-as-you-go before, but I thought I’d expand on it a bit after reader Jeff Lilly asked:

I have a question about your clean-as-you-go article. I sometimes have to let our bathrooms get pretty dirty for a while, because I simply don’t have the 30-40 minutes necessary to get in and clean them. If I could do a five-minute cleanup job every time I use them, it would be awesome. What exactly is your routine?

The toilet, for example: if I use the standard toilet cleaner and scrub brush, it takes at least 15 minutes because I have to let the toilet cleaner sit for 10 minutes in the bowl. Obviously, I can do something else during ten of those minutes, but it breaks up the flow of work, and no one can use the toilet during that time. Alternatively, I could simply clean the toilet bowl with a cloth and cleaning solution (which is actually my preferred method, since it gets it a lot cleaner), but if I use a new cloth two or three times a day, that adds up to a lot more laundry!

Also, the shower spray you use: usually these things are designed to be washed off during the next shower. Do you use it in the kids’ bathtub? Do you worry about the chemicals mixing in their bathwater?

Clean As You Go
Jeff’s excellent question allows me to use the cleaning of the bathroom as an example of clean as you go:

  • First, I don’t actually clean the bathroom every single day … but every 2-3 days is about right for me. I clean when I notice a little dirt building up, or if I notice something needs cleaning.
  • The toilet bowl, for example, usually stays fairly clean, but sometimes needs a quick swish. If I notice a bit of dirt in the toilet, I’ll spray it with a cleaner (any one will do if it’s not too dirty) and then do a quick swish with the toilet brush and flush it down. That only takes a minute.
  • If you let things get pretty dirty, you’ll need to do a more thorough clean — such as the things Jeff mentioned — but after that, it’s just a matter of maintaining the cleanliness. You’ll probably still need to do a deeper clean every now and then (use your eyes and nose to determine that) but for the most part, just try to keep things clean.
  • For the shower, again, if you keep it clean, you don’t need to use anything too harsh. Just a regular bathroom cleaner will work, if you’re cleaning it every 2-3 days. Just spray it down, and do a quick scrub either right before you get in the shower or while you’re in there. Only takes a couple of minutes, and then you get clean from the shower.
  • I do a quick wipe of the sink when I notice it getting dirty (again, every 2-3 days). The floor of the bathroom, maybe once a week. The walls don’t usually need cleaning as often.
  • As for the harsher cleaning sprays, yes, those can be harmful if you leave them in when your kids shower. I would recommend spraying, and then coming back and scrubbing and rinsing real quick, if you use those cleaners. But again, if you clean every few days, you won’t need anything too strong. Just a general cleaner.

This is clean-as-you-go for the bathroom: just a quick clean of the toilet, or sink, or tub, every couple of days. It only takes a few minutes, if things aren’t too dirty. I like to do a quick clean before I get in the shower, so I get clean after I dirty myself from cleaning.

But this concept can be applied to the rest of the house too:

  • Wash dishes when you’re done with them. Obvious, I know, but too often we leave dishes to pile in the sink. When you’re done with dinner, everyone should pitch in to put away leftover food, wash dishes, and clean the table, stove and counters. Takes about 10 minutes.
  • Keep counters and sink clean. If you cook or prepare food, wipe down the counters real quick when you’re done. When you do anything in the sink, rinse and wipe it down. Takes less than a minute.
  • Keep floor clean. I find that most of the house needs sweeping or vacuuming only once a week, but the kitchen needs sweeping every day (I have six kids and a cat). We share this duty (although I often end up doing it), and it only takes a few minutes.
  • Put away clothes when you take them off. If clothes are dirty, put them in the hamper. If they’re still clean, put them away.
  • Put other items where they belong. Instead of laying something on a counter, table, or floor, take a few seconds to put it where it belongs. This is a simple habit that will save tons of time.
  • Pick up before you go to bed. I like to do a quick pick-up before bedtime, of stuff that the kids left around. This leaves the house beautifully clean when I wake up in the morning. Only takes 2-3 minutes.

Burst Cleaning
While clean-as-you-go keeps your house fairly clean throughout the week, you’ll still need to do some general cleaning, preferably once a week. But you don’t have a lot of time.

I recommend that you do 30 minutes of cleaning, once a week. We use Saturdays, but you can do it whenever you have the time. For us, the entire family helps out, but if you don’t have a large family, you can just do what you can in 30 minutes.

Here’s what a family can tackle in 30 minutes:

  • Quick clean of the bathroom(s), including a wipe down of sink, toilet and tub, and quick clean of floor. Throw rugs in laundry.
  • Quick pick-up around the house.
  • Sweep floors, and mop if you have time.
  • Dust.
  • Clean kitchen a little more thoroughly than you do during the week.

If you don’t get all of this done in 30 minutes, don’t worry about it — you can always get it next weekend. But your house should be fairly clean.

Every 2-3 months, you should do a deeper clean — clean out the refrigerator, the oven, the cabinets, closets.

How to develop the habit
Don’t expect to be perfect at clean-as-you-go right away. It’s a new habit, and you’ll have a hard time with it at first.

Instead, try one thing at a time, for about a week or two at a time. I would recommend you follow the advice of one of my inspirations,  who says to start with the kitchen sink: just try to keep it clean and shiny. From there, work on the kitchen counters. Then the kitchen table. You might move to the bathroom sink next. And so on.

Edit Your Life, Part 2: Your Rooms

I’m a former newspaper editor, and one of the things I learned was to edit brutally (no sarcastic comments about why I don’t do that with my blog posts). Cut out everything that’s not necessary, and you’ve got a more meaningful story.

I highly recommend editing your life.

Today’s edit: The rooms in your house, one at a time.

Are you surrounded by clutter in every room in your home? Clutter is visually distracting and stressful — every item that you see demands your mind’s attention, and no matter how short that attention is, and despite that it is subconscious, these little distractions add up. It’s difficult to have peace and to focus amid this clutter. Add to this the wasted time and energy needed to look for things, to maintain things, and to clean things, and the more clutter you have, the more energy it will take to have it.

So, I recommend that you edit each of the rooms in your house, one per week, until you have de-cluttered your home and made it a peaceful and calming place to be.

Here’s how:

  • First, choose a room to do this week. Don’t try to do your whole house at once, as this can be very time consuming (unless you just have a lot of time on your hands — in which case, go for it!). Focus on one room, and try to do 15 minutes a day (unless you get carried away and feel like doing more). Work on one room each week.
  • In the beginning, skip the closets and drawers that are out of sight for now. We’ll tackle those in next week’s Edit Your Life. Focus for now on the things you can see.
  • Start with the big things. Is there too much furniture in the room? If so, edit them. What is necessary, which furniture do you love, which stuff is just too distracting. Also consider removing other big items, like boxes full of stuff.
  • Clear all flat surfaces. Desktops, tabletops, countertops, etc. Remove all papers, piles of stuff, little junk, knick-knacks, anything. Put it on the floor. Now get a trash bag and two boxes. Sort through everything in your pile(s), one item at a time. Each item should be either thrown away in the trash bag, put in one box to give away (to friends, family or charity), or in the other box to put in another room in the house. Put back only a couple select items on the flat surfaces, such as a family photo or something that functionally belongs there. But as much as possible, leave the flat surfaces as bare as humanly possible. “Stuff” doesn’t belong here — you need to find a drawer, shelf, or container for whatever stuff you’ve removed. When you’re done sorting through the pile, put the recycle box in the trunk of your car and drop it off the next time you go out to do errands. Throw away the trash bag. Take the other box and put the stuff where it belongs elsewhere in the house (don’t put it on flat surfaces unless absolutely necessary!).
  • Repeat this process for any other “stuff” in the room, including stuff on the floor.
  • Now go around the room, clockwise, and edit what’s left. This might be stuff on the walls, posted to surfaces like the refrigerator, stuff under tables or desks, etc. Only leave the stuff that’s absolutely necessary. I mostly have blank walls except for a few choice paintings or drawings (by my dad, an artist). All my flat surfaces are bare. It’s nice.
  • Be merciless. Edit brutally. The more you can get rid of, the better!

OK, your room should look pretty good now. If so, you should feel pretty great! Sit down, relax, look around, and enjoy the peaceful goodness. Savor your triumph.

Now, this editing process is not a destination, but an ongoing process. It won’t last long if you don’t have a system and develop habits to keep it de-cluttered.

Here’s the system:

  • A place for everything, and everything in its place. An oldie, but valuable nonetheless. Are you about to put something down on a flat surface? Stop yourself. Think about where that item belongs. If it doesn’t have a home, find one and stick with it. Always put it in that spot. For example: I have a tray for my keys, wallet, etc., and when I first get in the house, I put these things in this tray. Every time. So I always know where it is. And when I leave, it’s as simple as grabbing my stuff from the tray.
  • Have an inbox for your home for ALL incoming papers. And a filing system for documents you need to keep, from bills to important documents to taxes to kids’ report cards. Put all incoming mail, school papers, receipts, etc. into the inbox, and process it once a day (or every other day, but not much longer than that — otherwise you’re just creating a pile). When you process, don’t leave stuff in a pile to be filed later — file it immediately. Trash other stuff. Pay bills immediately or put them in a bills to be paid folder. Don’t leave papers laying around elsewhere.
  • Clean up at night and before you leave the house. If you’ve developed good habits, you may not need this, but no one’s perfect, and if you have kids, you’ll definitely need this, because kids certainly are not perfect at this habit. Just take 5-10 minutes to pick up stuff and make sure your flat surfaces are clear.
  • Every six months (or a year), de-clutter. Despite your best efforts, new stuff just accumulates. You need to have a regular binging process every now and then.

I highly recommend editing your life.

Today’s edit: All the commitments in your life.

Take an inventory of the commitments in your life. Here are some common ones:

  • Work - we have multiple commitments at our jobs. List them all.
  • Side work - some of us free-lance, or do odd jobs to take in money. More commitments.
  • Family - we may play a role as husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter. These roles come with many commitments.
  • Kids - my kids have soccer, choir, Academic Challenge Bowl, National Junior Honor Society, basketball, spelling bee, and more. Each of their commitments is mine too.
  • Civic - we may volunteer for different organizations, or be a board member or officer on a non-profit organization.
  • Religious - many of us are very involved with our churches, or are part of a church organization. Or perhaps we are committed to going to service once a week.
  • Hobbies - perhaps you are a runner or a cyclist, or you build models, or are part of a secret underground comic book organization. These come with - surprise! - commitments.
  • Home - aside from regular family stuff, there’s the stuff you have to do at home.
  • Online - we may be a regular on a forum or mailing list or Google group. These are online communities that come with commitments too.

You might have other categories. List everything.

Now take a close look at each thing on the list, and consider: How does this give my life value? How important is it to me? Is it in line with my life priorities and values? How would it affect my life if I dropped out? Does this further my life goals?

These are tough questions, but I suggest seeing if you can eliminate just one thing — the thing that gives you the least return for your invested time and effort. The thing that’s least in line with your life values and priorities and goals. Cut it out, at least for a couple weeks, and see if you can get along without it. Revisit this list at that time and see if you can cut something else out. Edit mercilessly, keeping only those that really mean something to you.

Each time you cut a commitment, it may give you a feeling of guilt, because others want you to keep that commitment. But it’s also a huge relief, not having to do that commitment each day or week or month. It frees up a lot of your time, and while others may be disappointed, you have to keep what’s important to you in mind, not everyone else. If we committed to what everyone else wanted all the time, we would never have any time left for ourselves.

Take the time to edit your commitments, and your life will be greatly simplified. You will thank yourself for it.

 

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irish

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Get Off Your Butt: 16 Ways to Get Motivated When You’re in a Slump

Even the most motivated of us — you, me, Tony Robbins — can feel unmotivated at times. In fact, sometimes we get into such a slump that even thinking about making positive changes seems too difficult.

But it’s not hopeless: with some small steps, baby ones in fact, you can get started down the road to positive change.

Yes, I know, it seems impossible at times. You don’t feel like doing anything. I’ve been there, and in fact I still feel that way from time to time. You’re not alone. But I’ve learned a few ways to break out of a slump, and we’ll take a look at those today.

This post was inspired by reader Roy C. Carlson, who asked:

“I was wondering if you could do a piece on why it can be hard for someone to change direction and start taking control of their life. I have to say I’m in this boat and advice on getting out of my slump would be great.”

Roy is just one of many with a slump like that. Again, I feel that way sometimes myself, and in fact sometimes I struggle to motivate myself to exercise — and I’ll use that as an example of how to break out of the slump.

When I fall out of exercise, due to illness or injury or disruption from things going on in my life, it’s hard to get started again. I don’t even feel like thinking about it, sometimes. But I’ve always found a way to break out of that slump, and here are some things I’ve learned that have helped:

  1. One Goal. Whenever I’ve been in a slump, I’ve discovered that it’s often because I have too much going on in my life. I’m trying to do too much. And it saps my energy and motivation. It’s probably the most common mistake that people make: they try to take on too much, try to accomplish too many goals at once. You cannot maintain energy and focus (the two most important things in accomplishing a goal) if you are trying to do two or more goals at once. It’s not possible — I’ve tried it many times. You have to choose one goal, for now, and focus on it completely. I know, that’s hard. Still, I speak from experience. You can always do your other goals when you’ve accomplished your One Goal.
  2. Find inspiration. Inspiration, for me, comes from others who have achieved what I want to achieve, or who are currently doing it. I read other blogs, books, magazines. I Google my goal, and read success stories. Zen Habits is just one place for inspiration, not only from me but from many readers who have achieved amazing things.
  3. Get excited. This sounds obvious, but most people don’t think about it much: if you want to break out of a slump, get yourself excited about a goal. But how can you do that when you don’t feel motivated? Well, it starts with inspiration from others (see above), but you have to take that excitement and build on it. For me, I’ve learned that by talking to my wife about it, and to others, and reading as much about it as possible, and visualizing what it would be like to be successful (seeing the benefits of the goal in my head), I get excited about a goal. Once I’ve done that, it’s just a matter of carrying that energy forward and keeping it going.
  4. Build anticipation. This will sound hard, and many people will skip this tip. But it really works. It helped me quit smoking after many failed attempts. If you find inspiration and want to do a goal, don’t start right away. Many of us will get excited and want to start today. That’s a mistake. Set a date in the future — a week or two, or even a month — and make that your Start Date. Mark it on the calendar. Get excited about that date. Make it the most important date in your life. In the meantime, start writing out a plan. And do some of the steps below. Because by delaying your start, you are building anticipation, and increasing your focus and energy for your goal.
  5. Post your goal. Print out your goal in big words. Make your goal just a few words long, like a mantra (”Exercise 15 mins. Daily”), and post it up on your wall or refrigerator. Post it at home and work. Put it on your computer desktop. You want to have big reminders about your goal, to keep your focus and keep your excitement going. A picture of your goal (like a model with sexy abs, for example) also helps.
  6. Commit publicly. None of us likes to look bad in front of others. We will go the extra mile to do something we’ve said publicly. For example, when I wanted to run my first marathon, I started writing a column about it in my local daily newspaper. The entire island of Guam (pop. 160K) knew about my goal. I couldn’t back down, and even though my motivation came and went, I stuck with it and completed it. Now, you don’t have to commit to your goal in your daily newspaper, but you can do it with friends and family and co-workers, and you can do it on your blog if you have one. And hold yourself accountable — don’t just commit once, but commit to giving progress updates to everyone every week or so.
  7. Think about it daily. If you think about your goal every day, it is much more likely to become true. To this end, posting the goal on your wall or computer desktop (as mentioned above) helps a lot. Sending yourself daily reminders also helps. And if you can commit to doing one small thing to further your goal (even just 5 minutes) every single day, your goal will almost certainly come true.
  8. Get support. It’s hard to accomplish something alone. When I decided to run my marathon, I had the help of friends and family, and I had a great running community on Guam who encouraged me at 5K races and did long runs with me. When I decided to quit smoking, I joined an online forum and that helped tremendously. And of course, my wife Eva helped every step of the way. I couldn’t have done these goals without her, or without the others who supported me. Find your support network, either in the real world or online, or both.
  9. Realize that there’s an ebb and flow. Motivation is not a constant thing that is always there for you. It comes and goes, and comes and goes again, like the tide. But realize that while it may go away, it doesn’t do so permanently. It will come back. Just stick it out and wait for that motivation to come back. In the meantime, read about your goal (see below), ask for help (see below), and do some of the other things listed here until your motivation comes back.
  10. Stick with it. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Even if you aren’t feeling any motivation today, or this week, don’t give up. Again, that motivation will come back. Think of your goal as a long journey, and your slump is just a little bump in the road. You can’t give up with every little bump. Stay with it for the long term, ride out the ebbs and surf on the flows, and you’ll get there.
  11. Start small. Really small. If you are having a hard time getting started, it may be because you’re thinking too big. If you want to exercise, for example, you may be thinking that you have to do these intense workouts 5 days a week. No — instead, do small, tiny, baby steps. Just do 2 minutes of exercise. I know, that sounds wimpy. But it works. Commit to 2 minutes of exercise for one week. You may want to do more, but just stick to 2 minutes. It’s so easy, you can’t fail. Do it at the same time, every day. Just some crunches, 2 pushups, and some jogging in place. Once you’ve done 2 minutes a day for a week, increase it to 5, and stick with that for a week. In a month, you’ll be doing 15-20. Want to wake up early? Don’t think about waking at 5 a.m. Instead, think about waking 10 minutes earlier for a week. That’s all. Once you’ve done that, wake 10 minutes earlier than that. Baby steps.
  12. Build on small successes. Again, if you start small for a week, you’re going to be successful. You can’t fail if you start with something ridiculously easy. Who can’t exercise for 2 minutes? (If that’s you, I apologize.) And you’ll feel successful, and good about yourself. Take that successful feeling and build on it, with another baby step. Add 2-3 minutes to your exercise routine, for example. With each step (and each step should last about a week), you will feel even more successful. Make each step really, really small, and you won’t fail. After a couple of months, your tiny steps will add up to a lot of progress and a lot of success.
  13. Read about it daily. When I lose motivation, I just read a book or blog about my goal. It inspires me and reinvigorates me. For some reason, reading helps motivate and focus you on whatever you’re reading about. So read about your goal every day, if you can, especially when you’re not feeling motivated.
  14. Call for help when your motivation ebbs. Having trouble? Ask for help. Email me. Join an online forum. Get a partner to join you. Call your mom. It doesn’t matter who, just tell them your problems, and talking about it will help. Ask them for advice. Ask them to help you overcome your slump. It works.
  15. Think about the benefits, not the difficulties. One common problem is that we think about how hard something is. Exercise sounds so hard! Just thinking about it makes you tired. But instead of thinking about how hard something is, think about what you will get out of it. For example, instead of thinking about how tiring exercise can be, focus on how good you’ll feel when you’re done, and how you’ll be healthier and slimmer over the long run. The benefits of something will help energize you.
  16. Squash negative thoughts; replace them with positive ones. Along those lines, it’s important to start monitoring your thoughts. Recognize negative self-talk, which is really what’s causing your slump. Just spend a few days becoming aware of every negative thought. Then, after a few days, try squashing those negative thoughts like a bug, and then replacing them with a corresponding positive thought. Squash, “This is too hard!” and replace it with, “I can do this! If that wimp Leo can do it, so can I!” It sounds corny, but it works. Really.

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Success Isn’t a Competition: Boosting Others Helps You in the Long Run

“The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.” - Bertrand Russell

As a blogger who has found some success amongst the seemingly endless sea of blogs, I’ve had to confront some old and rusty ideas I used to have about success and competition.

I examined these long-held beliefs early on in my blogging career, and discovered that they were false.

What I learned that has helped me tremendously, and these ideas can be applied to many fields of work and many areas of life:

  1. Striving for success does not requre competition.
  2. Boosting others actually helps you, in the long run.
  3. Envy of others’ success and trying to tear others down helps NO ONE.

The last one probably sounds obvious, but is also the idea that’s least used in reality by many people. For some reason, many of us get jealous when others are successful, and we try to tear the person down. We belittle them for their success, we criticize unfairly, we bad-mouth people, we become obstacles to their further progress.

It’s utterly illogical, and yet you can find it everywhere in life, in many different cultures and industries. How does someone else’s success become a bad thing for other people? This is a concept I’d like to explore a little today, and I’d also like to take a look at the converse: how boosting people actually helps you.

Success Isn’t a Competition

Blogging, for example, is not a zero-sum game. If I gain readers, it doesn’t mean you’ll lose readers. In fact, if we as bloggers link to each other, we can help each other gain readers at the same time.

Helping other bloggers, in that sense, does nothing to hurt you as a blogger. You aren’t competing for readers, even if you’re both trying to get the same readers, because readers can read multiple blogs.

Sure, you might say that readers can only read so many blogs, so we are competing for their limited attention. But that’s a very limited and limiting view. That’s assuming that there’s a very limited pool of readers with a small amount of attention. That isn’t true: there are lots of blog readers out there, and even more, there are MANY non-blog readers who will soon become blog readers, and that number is increasing all the time.

We aren’t competing for readers — we’re all trying to gain readership, but we can do that together, cooperatively if we like. Or we can compete and tear and claw at each other.

This concept can apply to many other industries. I’ve been a writer in the field of journalism, and while some journalists think it’s a competition — you want to beat others by getting the story first (a scoop!) or you’re competing for limited jobs — I never agreed. We were all striving for the same goal: to tell the truth, and to get useful information to our readers. In that light, journalists can cooperate, and some of them actually do cooperate. Sharing of information is good for everybody.

Think about your field of work: while the mainstream view is probably that everybody’s competing with each other, is there a way to see it as just the opposite? That we can all be successful, and that helping each other is actually a good thing?

I would bet that you can see it that way. Think of it in terms of personal success: do you really need to compete with your peers in order to be a success? Can’t you all be successes, but in different ways? Maybe one person makes a million dollars, another successfully starts a small business, another becomes famous for inventing something new, another becomes one of the most solid and hardest working people in his field. Those are all successes in different ways, and there are many, many more ways to be successful.

There is a lot of use in this kind of view. Competition can be a motivator, and sometimes can be a lot of fun. But it can also be destructive, and become an obstacle to success. And if you see things as not a competition, that can lead to some really great things. Let’s take a look at that now.

Boosting Others Helps You in the Long Run

Let’s say, as a blogger, that I link to others and send them a lot of traffic so that they get new readers. Those other bloggers might, over time, become even bigger than me. Have I just lost a competition? Did I just shoot myself in the foot?

Not at all. If I help others to become successes, that’s a good thing. First, it feels good to make others happy and successful. Trust me — this is one of the greatest feelings. But second, if you want to look at things in more of a selfish way (and you don’t have to, at all), making others successful actually helps you in the long run.

Think of it like this: if I help five blogs become so successful that they each have 5 million readers a month (oh, we can dream!), they will probably be grateful for my help. They might remain close friends with me, even though they are now out of my league. They might even see me as a mentor. And as a result, they will probably send readers my way from time to time, when I have good posts their readers might like.

And wham! I now have five major blogs sending their readers to me, after I helped them grow by sending readers to them! I am rolling in traffic! Yee hoo haw!

Of course, there’s no need to see things in such a quid pro quo way, but you can see how this example illustrates the way that helping others can come back to help you in many different ways.

And this doesn’t just apply to blogging — it can apply to anything. Imagine if you had helped Bill Gates to create his first software company, and he went on to become bigger than you. It would be cool to be the guy who made Gates successful, would it not? He might even help your little company and invite you to party on his yacht sometimes. Sure, you lost a competition by helping a competitor — but you also gained a life-long friend who is now a billionaire and seems to be on good terms with Jerry Seinfeld. Hard to beat that!

By freeing yourself from the bounds of competition, you free yourself to help others, even if they might be competitors. And in doing so, you gain relationships, and those can be amazingly valuable — in terms of having great friends, and maybe gaining something in the long run. Friends, of course, are much, much more than what they might give you (and you shouldn’t make friends because they might give you something), but you can see the point: it certainly doesn’t hurt you to help others.

Don’t Tear Others Down

So if boosting others can help you, what about the converse? What does tearing others down do for you?

Well, tearing others down might make you feel better. I doubt it, but it might. It might also stop a competitor from succeeding, and maybe in the short term that’ll help you. I also doubt that, but it might.

The truth is, no one likes a person who tears others down. If you are bad-mouthing someone, it might make you feel better, but others won’t like it. You will gain a bad reputation, and your bad-mouthing will come back to hurt you. If you are sabotaging others, that’s even worse.

If you become an obstacle to others’ success, they will despise you for it. They will try to get around you, and failing that, will try to go through you. Your energies and time will be spent trying to stop others, and defending yourself against their attacks.

What a waste of precious time and energy! Couldn’t you spend that better on building things yourself? On creating something beautiful and truly useful? On helping others to succeed? Of course you can!

Tearing others down is destructive. It hurts other people, and in the long run, it’ll hurt you. Don’t waste your time and energy on it.

Instead, build others up. Praise their success. Learn to be truly happy for the successes of others, rather than envious. Be a part of their success, rather than an obstacle. Participating in something great, including the successes of others, is a wonderful thing to have accomplished.

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Handbook for Life: 52 Tips for Happiness and Productivity

This is something I’ve been wanting to write for some time — a Handbook for Life. Now, is there any handbook that can be a guide to every single person? Of course not. This is just a list of tips that I think will help many people in life — some of them common-sense tips that we often forget about. Consider this guide a reminder.

It’ll also become apparent from the links in this handbook that I’ve written about this stuff before. In essence, this site is a bigger version of this handbook. But I wanted to put them all in one place, as a handy little guide. I hope you find it useful.

How to use this handbook
This handbook is not meant to be a step-by-step guide, nor should you adopt all the tips below. Certainly not all at once. That would be overwhelming. Here are a couple tips for adopting the tips:

  • Pick and choose the tips that will be most useful to you. There are 52 tips here — not every single one will be useful to every person. I hope you’ll find 10 that are useful, or that are reminders of something you’ve been wanting to do.
  • Don’t do them all at once. Choose one tip to do first, and then do them one at a time. Focus on one first, and then the next. It’s too hard to try to adopt a bunch of changes at once.
  • Experiment. Try out a tip, and if it doesn’t work, try another. Life is an experiment, after all.
  • None are guaranteed. But many are very likely to bring happiness.
  • Also, these are not in any order. Some of the most important are buried below.

52 Tips for Happiness and Productivity

  1. Try rising early. It’s not for everyone, I’ll admit. It may not be for you. But I’ve found it to be an amazing change in my life. It has made the start of my days much more positive, and I now have time for writing, exercise, and silent contemplation. I talked about this recently in my post 10 Benefits of Rising Early, and How to Do It.
  2. Do less. This is both a happiness and productivity tip. Doing less will make you happier, because your life won’t be so hectic and filled with stress. You will have time for things that give you pleasure, for the loved ones in your life, for life itself. It’s also a productivity tip: if you focus on the essential tasks, the big ones, the ones that will give you the most return for your time, and eliminate the rest, you will actually be more productive. You’ll get fewer tasks done, but you will be more effective. See How to Pare Your To-do List Down to the Essentials.
  3. Slow down. Many new readers to this site have read my productivity articles and think that I’m all about being hyper-productive. I’m not. Long-time readers know that I am about a simpler way of life. Unfortunately, in my free-lance blogging, other websites usually ask me to write about productivity, so the preponderance of my productivity writing has given the impression, I think, that I think people should be churning out work at an amazing rate, to the exclusion of all else. Actually, I feel that life is much more enjoyable if you slow down. By doing less, you can actually get more done, even if you work more slowly. And when you’re not working, you should definitely try switching to slow mode. Drive slower (it is so much more relaxing), walk slower, eat slower. See Slow Down to Enjoy Life for more.
  4. Practice patience. I’ve talked about how I’m trying to develop patience in my parenting article, How to Become a Patient Parent, but these tips really apply to everyone. If you easily lose your temper, you can become more patient with these tips. Once you’ve developed this skill (and it’s a skill, like everything else, not an unchangeable inborn trait), your life will become much saner and you will be much happier.
  5. Practice compassion. This may be the most important tip of all, in my opinion. If you were to choose any of these, I would choose this one. The first part of compassion is empathy — and this ability to understand how others feel can be developed through practice. Start by imagining the suffering of a loved one. Understand their pain, the emotions they go through, and why they would react the way they would. By doing this exercise a number of times, you are developing a skill that can be applied to others — for every person you see, try to understand what they are going through. Try to learn and understand more about their background, and why they react the way they do. Once you’ve developed this invaluable skill, learn the other half of compassion — acting on your understanding, and helping others, alleviating their suffering, acting with kindness. This one thing can bring true happiness to your life, and the lives of those around you.
  6. Find your passion. Another indispensable tip. This might be the second on my list of priorities. Find something you love to do, and your life will become immensely improved. You will love your work, the thing that you spend 40 hours (or more) a week doing. You will become more productive, procrastinate less, be less stressed. You will produce something you are proud of, and happy about. Read this article for some practical tips.
  7. Lose weight. This only applies, of course, if you are overweight. But losing your extra fat (and when I say lose weight, I mean lose fat), decreases your health risks (obviously), makes you look better, and in general is very likely to increase your happiness about yourself. I actually recommend that you learn to be comfortable and happy with how you look now, and not feel negative about yourself even if you are overweight. However, I’ve found that losing weight (at least for me) is a great way to feel better about your body. Do not make this an unhealthy obsession, however — lose weight gradually, and enjoy the process. See the next two tips for the best methods for doing this.
  8. Exercise. Make this a daily habit. Exercise not only helps you lose weight, but for me, it’s made me feel so much better. I actually enjoy exercise now. It’s a time of contemplation for me, and I feel so much better about myself afterwards. See Top 42 Exercise Hacks and How to Make Exercise a Daily Habit and 7 Ways to Build the Exercise Habit.
  9. Eat healthy. I don’t recommend dieting. It’s too restrictive and you usually fall off it at some point. I do recommend changes to your diet, however — ones you make gradually, and that can be sustained for life. It not only helps lose weight, but really, once you start eating healthier, it is actually much more enjoyable. See my Top 15 Diet Hacks for more.
  10. Meditate. OK, you might be like me — not into New-Age stuff. But meditation can actually be a very simple method for relaxing, for bringing calm, for returning yourself to sanity, for contemplation. My friend Scott Young wrote a good post about doing that here.
  11. Get organized. This one’s not necessary. You could go through life wonderfully messy, searching for stuff, enjoying the search. But I’ve tried disorganized, and I’ve tried organized. The second is much more enjoyable to me. Read How to Never Lose Anything Again for a start on the subject, as well as how I keep my family organized.
  12. Think positive. Another one of the most important tips on this list, thinking positive — as cliche as it might sound — is one of the single best changes you can make in your life that will lead to so many more positive tips. As I wrote about here, learning to think positive was the skill that turned my life around. It makes everything else on this list possible. Read more about it here.
  13. Simplify your finances. Cut down on the number of accounts you have, cut down on your credit cards, spend less, reduce your bills. Make your finances automagical. Simplifying your finances greatly reduces your stress. Also see 10 Habits to Develop For Financial Stability and Success.
  14. Simplify your life. Another of my top tips. I’ve greatly simplified my life, in many ways, and I can say that having less stuff in my life, and less to do, has greatly increased my enjoyment of life. De-clutter, simplify your commitments, simplify your work space, simplify your wardrobe, simplify your rooms.
  15. Accept what you have. The problem with many of us is that we always think that we’ll be happy when we reach a certain destination — when we get a certain job, or retire, or get our dream house. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there, you might have a new destination in mind. Instead, try being happy with where you are, with who you are, and what you have. To do that, instead of comparing what you have with other people, or with what you want, compare yourself those who have less, with those who are going through tragedy, with those who are struggling. You will see that you actually are extremely blessed. And this can lead to more happiness with your current situation.
  16. Envision your ultimate life. What would your ultimate life be like? Where would you live, what would you do, what would you do with your days? Come up with a clear picture of this, and write it down. Now, one step at a time, make it come true. Some ways of doing that follow.
  17. Set long-term goals. Your vision of your ultimate life will help you come up with long-term goals. Of those goals, pick one to accomplish within the next year, and really focus on that. Now, pick one medium-term goal to achieve in the next few months that will get you further toward your longer-term goal. Now decide what you can do this week, and today, to get you to your medium-term goal. Just choose one thing at a time, focus on it, make it happen, and then choose the next thing to focus on. See Think About Your Life Goals.
  18. Review goals. Setting goals is important, but the key to making them a reality is actually reviewing them (at least monthly, but weekly is better) and taking action steps to make them come true. Again, focus on one at a time, and really focus on them. Read Review Your Goals Weekly.
  19. Life mission. Related to envisioning your ultimate life, but different — it’s important that you think about how you would like to be remembered when you die — so you can start living the life that leads to that now. Live with purpose in life, and wake up every day with that purpose in mind. Read the Key to Dying Happy for more concrete steps.
  20. Plan your big tasks for week and day. Give purpose to your day by determining the three most important things you can do with your day, and making those a priority. Do the same thing with your week to increase your productivity: pick out the big tasks you’d like to accomplish this week, and schedule those first. See Purpose Your Day and Plan Your Big Rocks First.
  21. Maintain focus. One important key to achieving your goals is to maintain focus on them. To do this, again, it’s important that you select one goal at a time. This will prevent your focus from spreading too thin. It’s also important that you give yourself constant reminders of your goal, so you don’t lose that focus. Put up a poster of your current goal, or print it out and put it out somewhere visible, and send yourself emailed reminders. However you do it, find a way to maintain a laser-sharp focus, and the goal will come true.
  22. Enjoy the journey. Goals are important, but not at the expense of happiness now. It’s important to maintain a balance between going where you want to go, and being happy as you go there. It’s easy to forget that, so be sure to remind yourself of this little, but important, tip as you make your journey.
  23. Create a morning and evening routine. These are two great ways to add structure to your day, make sure you review your goals and log your progress, and get your day off to a great start. An evening routine, for example, could be a great way not only to wind down from a long day and review how your day went, but to prepare yourself for your next day so the morning isn’t so hectic. Your morning routine is great way to greet the day, to get some exercise or meditation or quiet contemplation, or to get some writing or other work done.
  24. Develop intimate relationships. It’s great to have a special someone, of course, but intimate relationships could be found with anyone around you. If you have a significant other, be sure to spend time each day and each week with that person, to work on your relationship and communicate and continue to bond. But if you don’t, there’s no need to despair (if in fact you are) … intimate relationships can be developed with friends, other family members, kids, roommates, classmate, co-workers. Every single person we meet is a fellow human being, with the same desires for happiness, for food and shelter, for an intimate connection. Find that common thread, be open and sincere, find out more about each other, understand each other, and give love. This can be one of the most important things you do.
  25. Eliminate debt. Financially, this is a huge way to relieve stress and make you feel much more secure. I suggest that you get rid of your credit cards (if you have a problem with credit card debt or impulse spending) and create a snowball plan for yourself. It may take a couple of years, but you can get out of debt.
  26. Enjoy the simple pleasures. You can find these everywhere. Food (I love berries!), sunsets, sand between your toes, fresh-cut grass, playing with your child, a good book and a warm bed, dancing in the rain, your favorite music. You could probably make a list of 20 simple pleasures right now, things you enjoy that you could find every day. Sprinkle those little pleasures throughout your day. It makes the journey much more enjoyable.
  27. Empty your inbox and clear your desk. This might take a little while to do at first, but once you’ve emptied your inbox and cleared off your desk, it doesn’t take long to keep them clear from then on. It’s a simple habit that’s vastly rewarding. I get an inordinate amount of pleasure from having a clean desk. I recommend you give it a try.
  28. Build an emergency fund. This is standard-issue financial advice, I know … and yet it is extremely important. I cannot stress how important it is to have at least a tiny emergency fund in the bank. You often hear that you should have six months saved up. Don’t be intimidated by that. Start out with just a hundred dollars if you can. Cut back on a few things. Then build it up, every payday. Once you have, let’s say, $1,000, it will make a huge difference in your life. It’s not much, and you should still add to it every paycheck, but at least now you’re not living paycheck-to-paycheck, and if an unexpected emergency comes up you can pay for it, rather than not paying other bills and falling behind. It’s a simple step, but it will mean a lot.
  29. Keep a journal. This is not one of the more important tips, but I can attest that it’s rewarding. I, for one, have a bad long-term memory, and by writing things down, I can look back and remember what happened a month ago. I just started this a couple months ago, actually, but ti’s been awesome. I started an online journal, something I call the one-sentence journal, and my goal is to just write one sentence a day. Sometimes I write two or three, but the idea is the same — just get one or two things down that happened that day, so I can always look back on it later.
  30. Use the power of others. Achieving your goals can be difficult, but using the power of others makes it much more likely to happen. For example, put positive public pressure on yourself by announcing your goal on your blog. Or join an online forum, or a group in your neighborhood, that you can count on for support. I have a mailing list for the May Challenge here on Zen Habits, for example, and our group has helped me stick to my goal of daily exercise even when I started to falter — and the rest of the group can tell you they’ve experienced similar success because of the positive power of the group.
  31. Read, and read to your kids. I read all the time — it’s one of my favorite things to do in the world. I love to curl up with a good novel (or even a trashy one) and I can waste away an afternoon with a book. And I’m passing on my love of reading to my kids, by reading to them every day. I love spending time with them this way, and we all enjoy the stories we share together through books. See Best All-time Children’s Books.
  32. Limit your information intake. In our lives today, we get a tremendous amount of information through email, blog feeds, reading websites, paperwork, memos, newspapers, magazines, television, DVDs, radio, mobile phones and Blackberries. Not only can this be overwhelming, but it can be distracting and can fill up your life until you have no time for more important things. Go on a media fast to get control over your information intake, and to simplify your life
  33. Create simple systems. Once you’ve simplified your life, the way to keep it simple is by creating systems for everything you do regularly. Create an efficient system for laundry, mail and paperwork, errands, your workflow. Anything, really. See ways to Streamline Your Life and to make your mail and paperwork painless.
  34. Take time to decompress after stress. There will inevitably be times in your life when you go through high stress. Perhaps several times a week. To maintain your sanity, you need to find ways to decompress. Here are some great ways to do that.
  35. Be present. Time can go by extremely quickly. Before you know it, your life has passed you by. Your kids are grown and your youth is gone. Don’t let your life slip by — enjoy it while it’s here. Instead of dwelling in the past or thinking about the future, practice being in the here and now. Here are some practical tips for being present.
  36. Develop equanimity. Keep your sanity through all the challenges that life throws at you. Rude drivers, irritating co-workers, mean commenters on your blog, inconsiderate family members. This takes a bit of practice, but you can let these things slide off you like you’re Teflon. Try these practical tips.
  37. Spend time with family and loved ones. One of the things that can lead to the greatest happiness, make this a priority every week, every day. Clear off as much time as possible to spend with those you love, and truly enjoy those times. Be present as you do it — don’t think about work or your blog or what you need to do. Read this for more.
  38. Pick yourself up when you’re down. There will always be times in our lives when we get a little down, even depressed. Take action to get yourself out of your slump. Here are some great ways to do that.
  39. Don’t compare yourself to others. This is hard to do, but it can be a great way to accept who you are and what you have. Whenever you find yourself comparing yourself to a co-worker, a friend, or someone famous (those models on magazines with amazing abs), stop. And realize that you are different, with different strengths. Take a minute to appreciate all the good things about yourself, and to be grateful for all the blessings in your life.
  40. Focus on benefits, not difficulties. If you find yourself struggling to do something, or procrastinating, stop thinking about how hard something is, or why you don’t want to do it. Focus instead on what benefits it will have for you, what opportunities it will create — the good things about it. By changing the way you see things, you can change how you feel about them and make it easier to get things done.
  41. Be romantic. If you have that special someone, find little ways to be romantic. It can do wonders to keep your relationship alive and fresh. It doesn’t take tons of money, either. See these ideas to get you started.
  42. Lose arguments. I know someone who just celebrated his 50th anniversary, and I asked him for his secret to a long and happy marriage. He told me, that if I ever get into an argument with my wife, to just shut up. What he meant, I think, is that I shouldn’t try to be right in every argument. I think this is a reminder many of us need, not just the married ones. But instead of just giving up the argument, instead of trying to be right, instead seek to understand. Really try to understand the other person’s position, to see it from their point of view. This little tip can lead to much happiness.
  43. Get into the flow. This is both a happiness and productivity tip. Flow is the term for the state we enter when we are completely focused on the work or task before us. We are so immersed in our task that we lose track of time. Having work and leisure that gets you in this state of flow will almost undoubtedly lead to happiness. People find greatest enjoyment not when they’re passively mindless, but when they’re absorbed in a mindful challenge. Get into that flow by first doing something you are passionate about, and second by eliminating all distractions and really focusing on the task before you.
  44. Single-task. I don’t believe in multi-tasking, at least not on a day-to-day basis. Instead, focus on one task at a time. This leads to greater productivity and less stress. You can’t go wrong with that kind of combination. See these tips for more.
  45. Be frugal. This is a habit, rather than a goal. It is a way of living, a different mindset, and the best way to live within your means. It doesn’t mean being cheap or forsaking pleasure, but it does mean finding less expensive ways to do things, learning to live with less (and be happier in the process), and controlling impulse spending. I don’t have a single article to give you as reference, but frugality is a recurring theme on Zen Habits.
  46. Start small and slow. Regular Zen Habits readers know that I advocate starting slow with any goal or habit change, and starting with a small goal rather than a big one. Why small? Because it’s something you are sure to achieve — and once you do achieve it, you can use that success to push you to further success. It’s a simple technique, but it really works. Start slow when you start exercise, or other similar activities — there’s no need to rush it in the beginning, to overdo it. You have the rest of your life!
  47. Learn to deal with detractors. We all face detractors in our lives. They are the naysayers who, even if they are well-intentioned, will make us feel unworthy, or that you cannot achieve a goal. They will tease or be negative. In order to achieve your goals, you need to learn how to deal with these detractors and overcome this common obstacle. Read these tips for some ideas.
  48. Go outdoors. These days, too many of us spend so much of our time indoors, especially if our jobs and our ways of having fun are all online. Our kids are often just as bad or worse, with so many ways to watch TV, surf the internet or play video games. Get them and yourself outdoors, appreciate nature, the beauty of the world around us, and the fun of physical activity. See this article for more ideas (to do with or without kids).
  49. Retire early. This isn’t a sure way to become happy — you can retire and be bored out of your mind and unhappy — but it’s surely a cool goal. And if you do something meaningful with your life, such as volunteer and help others, it can be a way to be really happy. It’s not an easy goal, either, but you can retire early by cutting back on your living expenses, increasing your income, and investing the difference. The more you can do of all three, the fast you’ll retire. And that’s a truly liberating idea.
  50. Savor the little things. Sure, the big things can bring big pleasure, but there are so many more little things in our lives. Savor them when they come up. It’s a way of practicing being present — stop and notice what you’re doing right now, what’s around you. And take time to enjoy it. Read this article for more.
  51. Be lazy. There’s a time to be productive, and there’s a time to be plain ol’ lazy. I like the latter, and do it every chance I get. Does that make me a lazy person? Probably not, but even if it does, I don’t care. It makes me happy, and the kids love being lazy with me.
  52. Help others. While finding pleasure in life is one way to be happy, doing something that is more than you, that helps others to be happy or to suffer less, is even more rewarding. I suggest you find a good cause or two and volunteer some of your time. You don’t have to commit to big chunks of your life, but just volunteer for a couple of hours. All of us can find a couple of hours in a week or a month. If you do this, you will find out how tremendously happy this will make you. You might even become addicted.

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October 05

recovery

What is an addict?

 

An addict is one whose using has become harmful habitual — and compulsive. Addiction is a degree of abuse; the addict simply has a habit he or she can’t break — compulsion has become irresistible.

Basically, there are two kinds of addicts: substance addicts and mental addicts.

Substance addicts include — drug addicts — alcohol addicts — tobacco addicts — coffee addicts — food addicts.

Mental addicts include — lying and cheating addicts — resenting-and-hating addicts — worry-and-anxiety addicts — sex addicts — depression-mopping-and-sulking addicts.

Addiction is here understood to be a harmful habit that you can’t break. It is an injurious practice that you can’t stop. It is not necessarily limited to, or limited by, physical or mental factors but always involves both, although sometimes one or the other primarily. The use of physical withdrawal symptoms as a comprehensive definition of addiction is here regarded as generally insufficient and misleading and in particular cases (e.g. cocaine and amphetamines) as dangerously invalid.

What is a recovery?

A recovery occurs when the addict stops using and stays stopped.

In the case of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and tobacco addiction, stopping is achieved by a program of total abstinence. In the case of food addiction and sex addiction, stopping is achieved by faithful adherence to a program of limited use.

How do you become a member of All Addicts Anonymous?

You are a member of the All Addicts Anonymous Fellowship when, as, and if you adopt the Four Absolutes, the Twelve Steps, and the Ten Points as a way of life, with the intention of practicing them, one day at a time, in all of your affairs.

What are the chances of recovery?

If the addict will simply practice the Program, in the simplest possible way, by going to two or three meetings a week, and by practicing the Program in all his affairs, the chances of recovery are very good. In the meetings, the addict hears the stories of other addicts who have recovered, and he learns how to practice the Twelve Step Program, and to enjoy it. The Program moves the addict from reliance on self-will — which is never equal to the task of beating addiction — to reliance on a Higher Power. It encourages him to face, and make amends for, past wrongs. It sends him right out joyfully carrying this life-saving message to his brother and sister addicts, and gets him beginning to feel like a real human being again. And it works. It produces freedom from addiction in six to seven out of every ten who really try it.

The odds really are that good.

The following is what we tell new people coming into the Program:

The requirements for success on the Program are completely summed up in the Four Absolutes, the Twelve Steps, and the Ten Points. To succeed in the All Addicts Anonymous way of life, this is what you should do: (a) Go to meetings. (b) Learn the Four Absolutes and the Twelve Steps. (c) Practice these principles in all of your affairs. Do this, in your own way, in your own time — but do it — and your chances of permanent, lifelong recovery are very high — pressing 100%.

 

It must be voluntary.

The conditions for connecting with the All Addicts Anonymous Program are these: (1) You must be looking for real help and (2) you must be willing to pay the price for it. The price, in every case without exception, is a radical change in lifestyle. Nobody is going to force this new lifestyle upon you. Nobody can. But if you will not voluntarily accept the change, the Program can’t work for you.

The change in lifestyle is not easy, but it is possible for anybody, and if you start applying the principles you will find it happening. If you start with the bare essentials of the Program — if you turn your will and life over to God and adopt a policy of absolute honesty in all of your affairs — you will soon find yourself in very different country, with wonderful possibilities opening up — but at the same time with real difficulties emerging. For example, it always happens that you, yourself, discover a lot of objections to this new life, within yourself — doubts, qualms, fears, uncertainties, longings for the old ways. And, on the outside, a lot of your friends will tell you that you are mistaken or, somewhat less delicately, that you are nuts.

These and other difficulties do arise, but again, experience proves that they are never real obstacles for a man or woman who really means business.

If you do mean business, you can start the Program anywhere, anytime. In order to start, just read the principles and start applying them. Real miracles — that is, not just natural wonders but the gracious action of God in human affairs — come as a result of no more than just reading the principles and applying them.

Group MeetingYou can begin now!

You can start where you are — now — today — right in your present circumstances. If you are doing something you know is wrong — drugging, drinking, resenting, overeating, fornicating, masturbating, lying, cheating, stealing, or whatever — stop it. One day at a time you will find that you can stop it. In order to stay stopped, you must continue working the Program, one day at a time. Living according to the Program, you will find that your circumstances will change. Let the changes come. Hang on to the truth, trust God, and allow your life to be changed. Keep in touch with other people who are living this way, and learn from them.

Study the literature of the way to God, and learn from it. One day at a time, do what the Program tells you to do. Hang on to total abstinence. Practice the principles in all of your affairs, as well as you can — without lying to yourself, without cutting corners, without copping out. As time goes on, you will see a very great change, a wonderful and revolutionary change, taking place in your life and in your surroundings.

Beginning Your Recovery

GregWhat to hang on to

If you are in real trouble — if you are addicted to alcohol, drugs, tobacco, food, sex, worry, resentment, lying, depression, or anxiety — if you want to recover; and if you are willing to accept and act on suggestions from people who themselves have recovered — the outlook for you is good.

There is a way out

Do not let anybody tell you that recovery from addiction is impossible, or unusual. Hundreds of thousands of addicts have recovered — fully, beautifully, and permanently.

The people who clutter up the addictive scene and make it seem like a big deal are the addicts (all of us at one stage of the game) who do not really want to recover and who are still horsing around with the situation and mainly playing games. When you reach the point of wanting to recover and become willing to do what recovered addicts tell you to do, the battle is more than half won.

How to start a recovery — 24 hours at a time

In the beginning of your recovery you are so weak physically and so bombed out mentally that you are easily confused and easily put off. Therefore you have to make “first things first” a rule and stick to it.

The first thing you do is learn the first principles of recovery from someone who knows them and practices them, and to begin to practice them your self. If you approach them with a little humility, they are not hard to understand, and it is not an impossible task to follow them. These principles (and the company of the people who practice them) are your lifeline.You simply cannot afford to argue about them. You merely have to do them, one day at a time.

The way to recovery begins with a few simple, uncomplicated first principles, which come to you as suggestions. Maybe you will not like some of these recommendations, but the thing to remember is that they work, and none of them should be left out. The whole problem is to hang on while you are coming out of the woods, and these suggestions tell you what (and what not) to hang on to.

ladderHang on to God

The first source of help to which an addict needs to turn — first in order of time and first in order of importance — is God. This is not a matter of religion or philosophy but simply a matter of fact. It is the power of God which enables addicts to recover. Without that power, there are few recoveries.

Now there are a lot of different opinions about God, but we are not talking about God as an opinion but as a living power. You have to remember that you are an addict, not a professor. Do not waste time theorizing about God. What you do is get in touch with God by the simple and direct means of talking to God, that is, by plain, old, ordinary prayer. Every nitwit knows how to pray; the knack here is to do it. No preliminary ducking or bobbing is necessary. Just do it.

Do not waste energy debating about God. Take God as a possibility

— a working hypothesis. Make the experiment of getting in touch. This comes ahead of everything else, and anybody can do it. You can do it. Hundreds of thousands of alcoholics and drug addicts (many of them atheists) have made this experiment and proved to themselves that there is a Power greater than themselves who responds and gives real, practical, effective help when called on. All real recovery begins here. It makes no difference whether you are a believer or not. If you are not, start by praying to the God you don’t believe in. Just park your objections for a while, and do it as an experiment.

Hang on to the truth

You connect with God by means of the truth. And you connect with the truth by stopping lying. All Addicts are liars. Please do not resent this. It is just a statement of fact. Some of us lie in gross ways, some in subtle ways; but all of us are ferocious liars.

As a starter, stop lying to yourself about your condition. Stop pretending it is better than it is. If you are an addict, you are in the grip of a disease which is a vicious killer, and you cannot do anything about it — not by yourself and not with the best scientific, psychiatric, or medical help in the world. Addiction is usually incurable except through spiritual conversion. If you face that fact, your chances for recovery are good. If you ignore it, your chances are poor.

Next, stop lying to get out of jams or to smooth off the rough edges of life. Don’t lie for the sake of peace; don’t lie when common sense invites you to do so; don’t lie to cover up your past; don’t lie on job applications, expense accounts, or tax returns; don’t lie to your boss; don’t lie to your husband or wife. Just don’t lie. When you fail in this resolve (as you will), admit it promptly. And don’t indulge in failure; that is, don’t lie any oftener than you have to.

This policy of non-lying takes real courage if you have a messy past, as most of us do. It feels like it is going to cause problems for you, rather than solve them. But in actual practice it is a life-saver and a life-transformer. Try it, and you will find that non-lying simplifies life and makes it easier to deal with. And it does something else of greatest importance: when you take truth-telling seriously, you put yourself in direct touch with God. God is truth, and throughout the day every decision you make to be honest opens you up to the healing light of his presence. This is not just a pretty thought; it is something real, like electricity, only alive. Work for the truth, as best you can, and the living Truth — God — will work for you. He will give you the strength which you yourself lack, the strength to take the next step.

Cliff hangerHang on to total abstinence

One day at a time, stay away from alcohol, drugs, smokes, or whatever it is that you are addicted to. Total abstinence is the key. That means none — not even a little bit, not even one or two. (In the case of alcohol addiction, drug addiction, tobacco addiction, and coffee addiction, stopping is achieved by a program of total abstinence. In the case of food addiction and sex addiction, stopping is achieved by faithful adherence to a program of limited use.)

One day at a time, with the help of God and the truth, you can do it. It is the first drink or pill or shot or cigarette to which you must say no. One day at a time, stay away from first drink or drug or whatever, and you will never have to worry about all those disastrous ones that follow. “One day at a time” is not a trick with words; it is a thoroughly practical, well-proven formula for success. No addict can face the prospect of a whole lifetime of total abstinence. It seems to big an order. But any of us, with God’s help, can stay away from the first drink, the first pill, the first shot, the first cigarette, or whatever, for twenty-four hours. Do not underestimate the power of this principle.

Hang on to your recovering brothers and sisters

Andyyou cannot recover alone. It is a deadly mistake to think that you can. In our times God has chosen to speak to addicts through brothers and sisters who are ahead of them on the road to freedom. These brothers and sisters are the people who can show you how to recover. Find them. Learn from them. Work with them. Join their group, and go to their meetings. If you cannot locate a group, do what the pioneers in this field did: dig up a couple of people who are also looking for recovery, and start your own group. Go to meetings — practice the Four Absolutes, the Twelve Steps, and the Ten Points in all of your affairs, one day at a time — work with others as you go. It really is that simple.

Working with a group is necessary; you cannot sustain a recovery without it. But the group is not God; it is only a vehicle through which God works. It is the principles that communicate the power. Recovery begins with getting in touch with God. He gives us the courage to get honest; he gives us the strength to stay away from the first drink or pill or shot or cigarette or whatever, one day at a time; and he puts us in touch with the people we need to work with.

At the same time, do not misuse trust in God as an excuse to avoid people, or to try to get around any of the other factors in the basic equation. Hanging on to God, hanging on to honesty, staying away from alcohol or drugs (or whatever your addictive substance is), and working with your recovering brothers and sisters — these constitute the formula for recovery, and they go together. You cannot work successfully with any of them unless you are working with all of them. By doing these few simple things, literally millions of previously desperate and hopeless men and women have had their lives, their sanity, and their strength restored through the All Addicts Anonymous way of life.

 

 

this is what to start with.......

This is What You Start With

 

Remember when you are reading program literature that you are studying for know-how and not just fun. There is a great bunch of stuff to choose from out there — and a lot of this literature is tremendously intriguing and fascinating, but all of it has a desperately serious underlying purpose: to communicate to you the reality of God and give you practical knowledge as to how to live from day to day. From your reading you can learn how to get started in praying, meditating, and exercising. Soon you will be able to learn from, and also to help, other people, and that will really begin to change your life.

In conclusion, let me challenge you: Follow the above program faithfully for only one month. If nothing happens, if you don’t feel that anything at all has taken place in yourself and your life, let me know, and I will eat six pages of any All Addicts Anonymous literature on white or rye bread, whichever you specify.

 

 

LearningTime Set Apart to Pray in

11th step"Shared experience on how to do "quiet prayer" in "quiet time," that is, in times set apart.

There are ways of praying throughout the day in the midst of other activities, and there are even ways of praying continuously. But the particular kind of prayer which is practiced in specially reserved time every day occupies a position of central importance in the way to God, and very few can get along without it.

Nearly all men live in a cloud of ignorance of God. "Penetrating the cloud" is a term which describes a certain kind of prayer: broadly speaking, it is prayer done in time specifically set aside for the purpose.

You must learn how to practice penetrating the cloud, but even before that you must find the time for it.

Further, you must continue without interruption to find the time for it. A few days or weeks of this practice will do you no harm, but they probably won’t do you much good, either. The practice of penetrating the cloud must become like eating your meals, sleeping, or going to the bathroom. When the time is at hand every day, you just do it, period. Unless you can put it on that basis (and everybody can who really wants to), you are merely stirring around in the cloud, not practicing the penetration of it.

Time must be set aside at least five days a week and preferably six. (You may want to take a seventh-day rest, even from this blessed kind of work.) Morning is best for most people, although evenings will do, and any time of day is all right in a pinch. It should be done at the same time every day; a few lapses on this point are permissible, but not many.

How much time every day? At least ten minutes to begin with. That is my own estimate of the need; opinions vary widely; one of the most experienced men I know says you cannot do much in less than half an hour. Ten minutes obviously is less than a good working minimum, but it is a possible time for anyone, and it will serve to get things going and keep them going. For a starter, it is not presumptuous and not a strain, and nobody can lie his way out of the daily appointment on the plea that it is too much for him. It seems to me that in many cases these advantages outweigh the admittedly grave disadvantages of so short a time.

An old man who was teaching me started me out at this level. He instructed me in what he called the "wedge system." Said he: "Ten-minute periods faithfully and regularly held every day are far better than half-hour sessions held occasionally or in spurts. When the ten-minute wedge is firmly inserted in your daily routine (and this might take six months or a year), then you can drive it in a little further, maybe expanding the time to fifteen minutes — later to twenty — later to thirty — and so on, up to what your real capacity for daily practice of this kind turns out to be. It is wrong to lag, but it is no good trying to be a saint overnight, either."

When I first began to listen to this man, he questioned me about my habits of prayer. "How long do you go?" he asked. "About two hours at a stretch," I said, trying with a great effort to appear modest. (It was true. I was less than twelve months out of a moral and physical collapse in which I had been floundering for years. But I had been reading books, and I am inclined to excess, and I was practicing, at that time, two hours at a clip.)

My old spiritual father looked at me narrowly.

 

"You do this every day?" he said.
"Well, no," I said.
"You do it for a few days and then skip a few days?" he said.
"Yes," I said.
"And sometimes you skip a few weeks, perhaps?" he said.
"That’s the way it goes," I said.
"Ten minutes a day for you," he said. "No less and no more."Thank God I found my way into the old man’s hands. In another few months I probably would have blown some fuses or soured myself on prayer forevermore, the way I was going. The point is, to begin with a time period which is not beyond your ability to sustain, however humble and indeed however humiliating that period may be. If you want to be a star performer, fine; but take it easy, at least at first. There are real heroes in this game, and it is a good thing to emulate them, but it is also possible to get something like a spiritual hernia. If the ten-minute beginner’s time really is too easy for you, by all means increase it, but not too much and not too fast. On the other hand, after a while if you are not succeeding in keeping the ten minutes clear at least five days a week without fail, drop back to five minutes. Find out what time you can keep, and keep it. Then you are on the way, not otherwise.

Now a word about the place in which you practice. So far as possible it should be the same place every day. It would not serve our purpose here to go into the reasons why, but it does make a difference. (If you are traveling, you just do the best you can on the road, using whatever places are available, and try to stay to a regular place at home.) A bedroom is fine. A bathroom will do. The room should have a door with a lock or bolt, if possible. Again, this is not the occasion to develop the rationale, but it makes a difference to work in a room secured against accidental intrusion. A certain animal level of the mind remains distractingly alert unless it knows it won’t be watched or butted into from the outside. Why waste time trying to argue with it or reassure it, when you can so easily just lock the door?

How do you use the time? That depends. There are many sources of instruction in the art of penetrating the cloud. Using them as little or as much as makes sense, you’ve got to find your own way, or rather, the application of the one Way in your particular case. Some common knowledge along these lines, arising out of my own experience and the experience of those who have shared their lives with me, may be of interest here. The following discussion, of course, is directed to the problem of the householder, the man or woman in the world. The science of penetrating the cloud is very highly developed in certain religious communities and particularly in enclosed orders. On the other hand, as William Temple has pointed out, God is by no means exclusively or even preferentially interested in the formally religious affairs of the world. The monk in his oratory may or he may not have clearer access to the ear of God than the father of a family locked in his bedroom for a few minutes before rushing off to his day’s work.

The attitude, the mental and emotional set, with which you approach and enter your daily period of prayer is important. You have put aside a time for a meeting with God. Either it is that, or it is nonsense. If the President of the United States agreed to meet with you and to give special consideration to your personal, family, and vocational needs, you would come up to the meeting with your face washed, your attention well focused, and your heartbeat stepped up. In prayer, either you are meeting with the Executive and Sovereign Monarch of the Universe, or you are kidding yourself.

Make up your mind which it is. And try to let the truth sink home, even as you approach prayer. Try to get out of the area of lukewarm half-knowledge and half-belief; it is almost worse than no knowledge and unbelief. Either you are a silly fool muttering to himself, or you are entering into an interview with the omnipotent God. This hasn’t anything to do with your spiritual status or capacity. It is just a cold-turkey question with a cold-turkey answer. Either you are talking to Papa or you aren’t. If you are, go in on your toes.

recovery.

Abundance and Scarcity

by Dale Ryan

 

                                                                      Recovery is about learning to receive from God’s abundance.

Without knowing quite what I was saying, I once said this in therapy: "I’ve been thinking about abundance recently. . .and about how scarce it is." My therapist was amused, I think, but not particularly surprised.

Scarcity is a big-time, major-league, world-class issue for me. Over the years of my recovery I have come to see that scarcity-orientation is not, for me, just a situational reality. Scarcity is something which I experience as one of the core conditions of existence - it is what IS. There is not enough! We must ‘make do’ with what little we have. Sometimes what there is must be carefully preserved, or saved for special occasions or distributed carefully so as not to deplete the already limited supply.

I won’t take the space to elaborate on the reasons for my familiarity with scarcity. Those of you who have experienced abuse or neglect will perhaps recognize the dynamic. If as a young child you lived in a situation where there was in fact ‘not enough’ (emotionally, spiritually, or physically), then this can easily become a fundamental conviction about life. If you must adapt to a situation of scarcity in order to survive, then scarcity may shape what you expect all of life to be like. This is, I think, the most pernicious aftereffect of early life experiences of scarcity - we generalize the experience and find ourselves acting and thinking in terms of scarcity and being scarcity-oriented people even in situations where there really is abundance.

It is spiritual scarcity which has always seemed to me to be the most difficult. Recently I have come out of a relatively long period in which I have experienced a scarcity of spiritual nourishment. In church last Sunday I had a vision of myself as someone who has been lost in a vast desert for a long time but who finally arrived at an oasis. All through the desert wanderings I had a canteen of water with me - but I felt it necessary to ration that water with great care in order to make it last for a long time - believing that my survival depended on disciplining myself not to drink too much, too deeply, of the limited resources available to me.

As a consequence, when, in this image, I finally make it to an oasis, two very strange things happen. First, I am hesitant to take in the abundance. My survival depended for so long on careful rationing that it just doesn’t seem right to drink too deeply. I found myself thinking really strange things like "maybe this water isn’t really mine or for me, maybe I should try to survive for a little while longer on what I have left in my canteen, at least I’m sure that I’m entitled to that much" or, if in a more paranoid frame of mind ,"maybe the oasis water isn’t safe. What if this is a trick of some kind? A mirage? Or what if someone has poisoned the water? " Secondly, and more perversely perhaps, I found myself proud of my ability to ‘get by’. Afterall I’ve been working on scarcity management skills for a long time. I am, in fact, quite good at survival. I can manage very well with very little, almost nothing. ‘Making do’ seems like a virtue to me - only surpassed by the virtue of ‘making something out of nothing’. How often our adaptations to dyfunction seem like virtues to us!

The bottom line for me is that even in a situation where abundance is the objective reality I find myself hesitant to receive, resistant to joy, defended against abundance as if it were, at best, an experience to which I am not entitled.

I am awed today by the thought that God’s plans for me are for abundance. God’s grace is available to me - not just in carefully rationed doses, not just what’s left over - but all of God’s grace is available to me, all of it in it’s incredible abundance. And all of God’s love is available to me. Not just what can be ’scraped together’ - it is not the grudging, passive-aggressive love which the prodigal expected from his father - but all of God’s love is available to me.

Jesus, of course, said all of this quite clearly: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"(John 10:20). Paul affirms this as well when he describes "God’s abundant provision of grace"(Romans 5:17) and when praying to "him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine" he says "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."(Ephesians 3:17-19)

Will there be enough? I think so. I am fond of the way George MacDonald puts it in one of his books: "If we will but let our God and Father work his will with us, there can be no limit to his enlargement of our existence, to the flood of life with which he will overflow our consciousness. We have no conception of what life might be, of how vast the consciousness of which we could be made capable. If every sunlit, sail-crowded sea under blue heaven flecked with wind-chased white filled your soul, as with a new gift of life, think what sense of existence must be yours if he, whose thought has but fringed its garment with the gladness of such a show, were to make his abode with you, and while thinking of the gladness of God inside your being, let you know and feel that he is carrying you as a Father in his bosom!"

May God grant you today a sense of the abundance

of his grace and love which is your rightful inheritance.

 

On Addiction

In a recent Time magazine essay, Lance Morrow writes that ‘the mentality of addiction, of alcoholism, prevails in zones of American life even when no drugs are involved’. How true! This means, of course, that no ‘war on drugs’, no ‘drug czar’ will be able to solve our problems with addictions because drugs are not the problem. When one addictive substance or behavior is not available to us, we can surely choose another. A long list of socially acceptable addictive behaviors and processes (work, shopping, religion etc.) are available for those who are not attracted to chemicals. Anesthetics for the emotional pain of life are, and will always be, cheap and readily available.

Because of this we need to remind ourselves regularly that switching addictions is not the same thing as recovery. I reflected on this recently while watching an old movie on TV. Not that long ago alcoholism was a popular motif in comedy. Inebriated characters like those portrayed by Dean Martin were funny. There was a kind of bizarre lovableness to drunken characters. There was a laughable, likable, sociableness to alcoholism. Today, I think most of us look back on these movies in astonishment and wonder: "How could people have laughed at something this painful?".

But, have things changed? Two of the most popular comedies on television today feature addicted characters. Sam Malone on ‘Cheers’, who we are told is a ‘recovering’ alcoholic, runs a friendly neighborhood bar. Alcohol does not seem to be a problem at Cheers - no one is ever inebriated. But, the dramatic foundation of the Malone character is completely wrapped around his compulsive sexual quest. In exactly the same way that Dean Martin was funny because he was an alcohol addict, Sam Malone is funny because he is a sex addict. The Dan Fielding character on ‘Night Court’ is another example of a humorous portrayal of a sex addict. We laugh at his antics, his complicated sexual intrigues. We laugh in spite of the terror and self-loathing that lie just beneath the surface and in spite of the enormous social and personal costs of sex addiction.

Because switching addictions is such a common pitfall in recovery, we need to be clear that sobriety is not achieved by merely avoiding our preferred ‘drug’. When Sam Malone traded alcohol for sex he did not suddenly become a healthy person, he merely switched addictions. Sobriety is, rather, the process of living a completely new and non-compulsive kind of life. In this new way of life, we abandon all of our varied attempts to anesthetize ourselves to the emotional realities of life. In the process we learn that with God’s help and with the daily disciplines of recovery we can grow into physical, psychological, social and spiritual health.

May God grant you the courage today to recognize what is real, the daily strength to choose life and the fellowship you need on your journey. May your roots sink deeply in the soil of his love.

 

Breaking the Chains of Substance Abuse

an interview with Clark Burlew

Clark Burlew is a recovering alcoholic who carrys the message of recovery to others. He has helped develop and administer treatment and recovery programs for many years. He is currently the Director of Marketing and Outpatient Services at Pacific Hills Treatment Centers in San Juan Capistrano, California. STEPS: Tell us something about yourself. How did you first get involved in substance abuse treatment? Clark: Well, let me start early. When I was a child my father was a pastor. And in my late teens I was able to choose whether or not I would continue to go to church. I decided to leave. I attended a church down the street for a while, but it was really just an easy way for me to start backing out of church entirely. For the next few years church just wasn't a priority. Pretty soon I wasn't going at all. From there, things just kind of progressed—or, more accurately, deteriorated. Eventually I found a way to deal with the pain and anguish in my life by using alcohol and drugs. To make a long story very short, I was consumed by alcohol and drugs until 1988.

On May 10, I hit bottom. Just when I wanted to die more than I wanted to live, God reached down into the muck and mire, picked me up and dropped me into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. God must have known that at that moment in my life I would not have been receptive to anybody except those rag-tag alcoholics. I had already been in hospital situations and treatment situations—but I had never been treated for alcoholism or drug addiction. I was treated for symptoms like stress, anxiety and things of that nature. It wasn't until I found myself in the rooms of AA that I started to face the mess that my life had become. My involvement in helping others during treatment actually began quite early in my own recovery. Shortly after I became sober I was at the opening of Community Psychiatric Centers in Laguna Hills, and I was asked if I would help out there on a voluntary basis. I became the coordinator between the hospital program and Twelve Step organizations in the community. I started taking patients to outside meetings. It was a very positive experience for me and I've been working in a variety of capacities at treatment programs ever since. STEPS: One of the concerns I have heard Christians express about treatment for addictions is that it might pose a threat to their spiritual health. What do you think about that? Clark: Well, recovery will always involve spiritual change. We need to honestly face the fact that what we have hasn't worked. And that can be pretty scary. It was for me. During my early years in recovery I struggled a lot with my own spirituality. Although I believed in a power greater than myself, I couldn't identify that power except with the confused notions of God that I had acquired in my childhood. And that higher power was abusive and hurtful. I knew there was a higher power, but the only one I had any relationship with didn't give me a lot of joy or comfort. It seemed to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. And that confused me.

Fortunately, I have had a series of spiritual awakenings during my recovery that brought me so close to God that I could no longer deny his presence in my life. Nor could I avoid the reality that God was a loving presence in my life rather than an abusive presence. But that took me some time. My misbeliefs took a long time to shed. It took time before I could feel the warmth and healing power of Christ in my life. All along I was looking for something to fill that God-shaped hole inside of me. During my search I tried all kinds of things. Drugs and alcohol didn't work. Then when I got sober I tried all kinds of spiritual paths. I studied different religions and philosophies. They all left me sad and wanting. I spent a lot of time studying and teaching other philosophies, and one night when I was feeling really void inside I got this surprising feeling of fullness and an inaudible voice said, "OK, you've tried everything else, why not try me?" At that point I put everything else down and I picked up the Bible. I read it from cover to cover. I had never given the God of the Bible a chance to come into my life. I also found a good Bible-teaching church and did a lot of growing there.

That doesn't mean that my spiritual growth has been easy. There have been some very difficult personal experiences. Five years into my recovery my mother died a horrible, horrible alcoholic death. The last thing she took into her body before she died was vodka. Three years later my father died and a year later I lost my son. During this period of time I also lost my health. I developed pulmonary embolisms and I was unable to breathe. Talk about getting back to basics: I learned the value of my next breath. I was gasping for each breath. Nothing else seemed important. After an operation the doctor put me on morphine, which was, as you might imagine, a very dangerous time for me. With every hit from the morphine pump I felt like I was being sucked down a long dark tube. During that dark time, I questioned the existence of God. I could not make sense out of anything. I asked to be taken off the morphine but the doctors hesitated because they insisted that the pain would be too intense. But I knew my survival depended on it. I was convinced that I was going to die on that morphine.

Well, I went home in a few days with nothing more than Tylenol for the pain. I cannot explain this except to note the obvious: this is the kind of thing that only God can do. I was not able to help myself. I couldn't even manage to believe that God was there to help me. But God can do the things we cannot do for ourselves. I had to do my part. I stopped using the morphine. But only God could do the healing. I think all of us will face painful experiences that threaten our sobriety. But these experiences can lead to spiritual growth rather than relapse when we turn them over to the care of a loving God. STEPS: Your early experiences in church were part of the problem. Do you find that to be true for many of the Christians who come to treatment centers for alcohol and drug problems? Clark: The Christian community in many cases does not understand the dynamics of addiction. There are exceptions, of course. Here in Southern California there are a number of large (and some smaller) churches that have dynamic recovery programs. But many churches have little or no knowledge about addictions and can easily become part of the problem. Unfortunately, there are many churches that think they don't have a problem in this area. STEPS: We still hear pastors and church leaders say, "I'm really excited about the kind of work you are doing and if we had anybody in our congregation with those kinds of problems. . .." Clark: Exactly. We find that a lot. The problem is complicated. The church may be uninformed about addiction, but the people struggling with addictions are also running and hiding. When I was running from God it just became easier and easier not to talk with God about the things going on in my life. I didn't set out to destroy my relationship with God all at once. It was a gradual thing over a period of time. The church may not have been very helpful to me during that time, but I was the one who gradually closed myself off to God's grace. I turned the light off. By the time I got to A.A. I would have told you I'm not interested in the God part of this at all. I was that cut off from my longing for God. STEPS: I suppose that Christians starting in recovery often struggle with the feeling that they have tried God and it didn't work. Clark: Yes. That's what I felt. Well, it's more confusing than that. On the one hand I didn't want to have anything to do with God. But on the other hand I was deeply unsatisfied with the "higher power" language. It just seemed too vague to me. Again, like most people in early recovery, my spirituality was confused and confusing. Now I am deeply grateful for the help I received from the "higher power" language. It helped me to get started again. I didn't have to understand all that yet. On one level I know I wanted to believe in God rather than a higher power, but as I said before, the only God I knew was a pretty abusive and shaming figure. A.A. helped open my mind to the possibility that the abusive God I had known in the past was not really God at all.

Another common problem, especially with Christians, is that so many churches teach a kind of one-step spirituality: Jesus Christ is all you need, and once you have Jesus Christ everything else is going to be wonderful. This kind of spirituality leaves out the fact that it takes a series of sheddings of self in order to find that relationship with Jesus Christ. I have covered myself with so many layers of disguises that until I get rid of some of the disguises, I'm going to keep playing the same old games. That's one place where treatment can be particularly helpful. It can give us a safe and supportive place to start shedding some of the old disguises that are messing up our life. STEPS: Let's talk more about treatment. If I remember correctly, from the very beginning of A.A. there was a recognition of the importance of medical treatment in addition to Twelve Step meetings.\ Clark: That's right. There are many of us who need a jump start to our recovery. It gives an opportunity to step out of the daily routine that has been adapted to the addictive process and allows a fresh chemical-free look at what's real. We get so used to dealing with matters inappropriately. Something needs to change in that whole system before recovery will be possible. Often an inpatient experience is just what is needed. And, of course, treatment is even more important if you need to detox. STEPS: People in general are not well informed about how dangerous it is to detox without medical supervision. Clark: That's absolutely right. In many cases people think that since the problem is just a matter of choice if a person is sincere enough and has enough will-power, they can just stop and everything will be fine. But detox from alcoholism can be fatal. Just stopping your intake of alcohol can lead to death. No one has good enough intentions and a strong enough will-power to avoid the medical complications of chronic alcoholism. Remember, detox is just the first step in any treatment program. It plays a vital role in keeping a person alive long enough to become receptive to the next treatment phase, which is designed to give a concentrated, intensive jump-start on what will need to be a new lifelong way of living. At Pacific Hills this involves an intensive introduction to the Twelve Step process coupled with biblical principles. People at this early stage of recovery have often lost all their support network. Their family may be hostile, they may not have a church community to support them, they may have alienated all of their friends. They have no support base. It's not a fun place to be in life. But sometimes that is what it takes to make us open to taking a different path in life. Spiritual humility is not easy to acquire. Many of us had to hit bottom pretty hard before we could become open to a different way of living. Part of the treatment process is to be there when people hit bottom and to help them start to systematically rebuild a support base. As part of this process we introduce clients to Twelve Step programs, we introduce them to Christian recovery programs in the community, and we explore the need for counseling if that is appropriate. STEPS: Recently I've talked to several people who thought that treatment programs for addiction were kind of hard-core boot camp things where harsh discipline and high control are the norm. Clark: I'm sure you can find places like that, but it's nothing at all like the kind of programs that I support. The foundation for the Christian approach to treatment is distinctive. It has to be rooted in love and compassion. We start with an assumption that each person who comes to us for help is a person of dignity, a person of importance, a person whom God loves deeply no matter how damaged their life may be at the beginning of treatment. STEPS: What sort of advice do you give to family members of a person who does not yet want to get better? Clark: I believe very strongly in the value of interventions. I don't necessarily like the term "tough love," but some of the principles of tough love may be necessary in order for a person to see his or her need. If I'm allowed to continue my inappropriate behavior, I will probably continue to do it as long as I can. The family often has to make some hard choices. They need to come alongside and offer support if the person gets help. But they may also need to say, "We choose not to watch you kill yourself in this way. We will not be a part of this dynamic of death." Sometimes withdrawing resources that are helping a person continue in their addiction is essential for recovery to begin. STEPS: So you don't have to wait until someone is actually dying before you get help. You can always get help for yourself right away. You may be able to be actively involved in helping your loved one to get help. But it may be that all you can do is stop being part of the problem. Clark: Exactly. An intervention is not just about having a meeting and having some professional come out and tell your loved one that they need help. The intervention event is only the beginning of a long process. Recovery will take a lifetime commitment. It will not be over after the intervention. Or after a few weeks in a treatment center. It is really important to remember that this is going to take time. And it is really important to remember that the recovery process is not just for the addict or the alcoholic. The whole family needs to experience some major changes. An intervention is critically important because it is the front door. It may be the first time that the truth gets told within a family in a way that a person can hear it. And that is a very powerful dynamic. Everyone in a family can learn from that and, hopefully, find ways to move forward in their own recovery. That's also why good treatment programs have a family component. Addiction is a systemic problem and needs a systemic response. STEPS: I guess most people understand that treatment can be emotionally painful. Talk to us about that. Clark: That can't be avoided. It can feel like now all of a sudden I'm an exposed nerve. I have no anesthetics in my body. And I'm being told I only have to change one thing and that's everything. That is painful. It's like having all of your defense mechanisms stripped away—not that they have been very helpful to us, but it feels like you are stripped naked. It is, however, right at that point that God has an opportunity to pour out his love and compassion. People feel like they are banging on the gates of hell, that there is no hope, that nothing can change. But even right there at the gates of hell, God can bring love and hope. That is one of the reasons why it is critical for care providers to have been through this process themselves. Unless you have been to the gates of hell yourself it is difficult to really explain. But if you have been there yourself, you may be able to communicate the hope of God's love in a way that will lovingly move a person toward the next step in the healing process. This is one of the key things we have learned from Alcoholics Anonymous—that the only person who really has credibility to an alcoholic is someone else who has been there themselves. STEPS: What other things are important for a quality treatment program? Clark: The optimum treatment varies for each individual. We have a 42-day program, but that doesn't mean each person stays that long. During that time the fog lifts, people begin to see hope, people get a lot of new skills that might be able to help them stay sober one day at a time for the rest of their lives. After inpatient treatment it's not necessarily the best thing to just go back to where you came from. So, like many treatment programs, we have a variety of part-day outpatient services that can help people continue to stabilize their recovery. During this time it is even more important for people to connect with the resources and support that are going to help them over the long haul. A kind of individualized sobriety program is designed by each person. At Pacific Hills we offer lifetime aftercare. So alumni can come back and participate in programs of various kinds. It's just another piece of the support system that can help build a program that works. STEPS: I guess that emphasizes the difference between this kind of problem and, say, a broken leg. If you have a broken leg, you go to the hospital. But after a while, the leg heals and then you don't have a broken leg anymore. Clark: Right. You have a crisis period up front where care is urgently needed. And you then probably have physical therapy for a period of time. But the time does come when you don't have the problem anymore. Alcoholism is not like that. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. It waits patiently for you. One fellow described it as dancing with a gorilla. You're not done dancing until the gorilla is done. That's how it worked for me. It takes however long it takes. I should emphasize that this is not a shock to God. God is not surprised by how long this sometimes takes. God is prepared to work with us no matter how long it takes. And that's pretty good news.

 Substance Abuse: The Hurt and the Hope

by Dale Wolery

Substance abuse hurts people. It hurts the person who uses, and it hurts everyone who is touched by the person's addiction. The pain and power of substance abuse remain a destructive presence in every segment of our culture. Clearly we are losing the war on illegal drugs. All the efforts to reduce the supply have led to cheaper prices and higher-quality drugs. And we are losing the war on legal drugs as well. Limitations on alcohol advertising, increased education, and organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) are important efforts, but the damage done by the abuse of legal drugs continues to be staggering.

Marriages continue to disintegrate, teens continue to die, and auto accidents continue to maim and kill because of the addictive power of substance abuse. Even those who would legalize the consumption of addictive drugs decry their obvious destructive power. It destroys the lives of those we love. Dysfunctional development and loss of relationships are also the heritage passed on by addicts to spouses and children. Chemical dependency hurts everyone it touches—for generations.

Unfortunately, the recovery journey in both society and the church has been misunderstood and even maligned. Historically, health care professionals and clergy alike have been in the dark about how to help addicts. As a result, many addicts and their families have suffered in silence and shame. Unfortunately, those of us who have been in a position to help have often made the problem worse rather than better.

In the early years of my pastoral ministry I was hindered by gross ignorance of the addictive process. My knowledge and instincts about how to help addicts and their families were not just unhelpful; they were counterproductive. I unwittingly and sincerely dispensed pseudo insight, pat answers and untenable solutions. Instead of helping, I hurt families who wrestled with substance abuse.

Even though I had not even read the Twelve Steps, I communicated skepticism about whether Twelve Step programs were sufficiently biblical. I increased the shame of the addict with my easy answers, judgmental attitude and ignorance. I even encouraged family members to engage in enabling behaviors that could only serve to fuel the addictive process. I was trying. I had good intentions. But my efforts in all the wrong directions did not produce meaningful recovery.

My inexperience and ignorance during those years continues, unfortunately, to be replicated today by many other pastors. Our churches, and people in our culture as a whole, still offer faulty guidance to addicts and their families.

Substance abuse hurts everyone it touches. But there is a corollary truth as well: Recovery from substance abuse helps everyone it touches. There are reasons for hope. Genuine progress and real recovery are possible. We no longer need to be ignorant about substance abuse, the addiction/recovery process or the wisest course of action for addicts and their family members. Most importantly, those among us who have experienced the recovery process have lots to share now about addiction, about life and about hope.

What are we learning? We're learning that it is important to focus on the basics: for example, on the foundational spiritual truths contained in the Twelve Steps. And we're learning something about God. At the lowest points of life our Higher Power will not abandon us. God will be there empowering us even when, perhaps especially when, we are powerless.

We are also learning that working a program works—that consistency and one-day-at-a-time courage can build a lifetime of sobriety. An old-timer in a Twelve Step group once asked me, "You know what happens to people like you who keep coming to meetings like this?" Taken aback, I stammered, "No," to which he replied, "They get better."

As people in recovery, we are also learning the value of a community of peers. In this impersonal, adrenaline-addicted society, those in recovery are stopping long enough to talk and to listen. To be sure, the talk in recovery groups is also teaching us something important about honesty and the importance of attentiveness to our internal longings and feelings. This way of relating is straightforward and goes much deeper than the rushed greetings to which we are accustomed in today's "normal" world. It is the truth-telling, liberating talk of the New Testament church.

The redemptive stories that emerge from people in chemical-addiction recovery can teach us hope. Instead of shaking our heads and wondering if anything can be done, our heads are being turned by one substantial change after another. Although not every recovery group nor every addict is a success story, we have reasons for hope.

The truths that people recovering from chemical addiction are learning and sharing are transferable. The basic spiritual disciplines that are so helpful to them can be profoundly helpful to anyone. Anyone. Addicts of all stripes can recover with hope because recovering addicts such as the founders of AA have forged new breakthroughs in addiction recovery.

substance abuse;the hurt an da hope.

Substance Abuse: The Hurt and the Hope

by Dale Wolery

Substance abuse hurts people. It hurts the person who uses, and it hurts everyone who is touched by the person's addiction. The pain and power of substance abuse remain a destructive presence in every segment of our culture. Clearly we are losing the war on illegal drugs. All the efforts to reduce the supply have led to cheaper prices and higher-quality drugs. And we are losing the war on legal drugs as well. Limitations on alcohol advertising, increased education, and organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) are important efforts, but the damage done by the abuse of legal drugs continues to be staggering.

Marriages continue to disintegrate, teens continue to die, and auto accidents continue to maim and kill because of the addictive power of substance abuse. Even those who would legalize the consumption of addictive drugs decry their obvious destructive power. It destroys the lives of those we love. Dysfunctional development and loss of relationships are also the heritage passed on by addicts to spouses and children. Chemical dependency hurts everyone it touches—for generations.

Unfortunately, the recovery journey in both society and the church has been misunderstood and even maligned. Historically, health care professionals and clergy alike have been in the dark about how to help addicts. As a result, many addicts and their families have suffered in silence and shame. Unfortunately, those of us who have been in a position to help have often made the problem worse rather than better.

In the early years of my pastoral ministry I was hindered by gross ignorance of the addictive process. My knowledge and instincts about how to help addicts and their families were not just unhelpful; they were counterproductive. I unwittingly and sincerely dispensed pseudo insight, pat answers and untenable solutions. Instead of helping, I hurt families who wrestled with substance abuse.

Even though I had not even read the Twelve Steps, I communicated skepticism about whether Twelve Step programs were sufficiently biblical. I increased the shame of the addict with my easy answers, judgmental attitude and ignorance. I even encouraged family members to engage in enabling behaviors that could only serve to fuel the addictive process. I was trying. I had good intentions. But my efforts in all the wrong directions did not produce meaningful recovery.

My inexperience and ignorance during those years continues, unfortunately, to be replicated today by many other pastors. Our churches, and people in our culture as a whole, still offer faulty guidance to addicts and their families.

Substance abuse hurts everyone it touches. But there is a corollary truth as well: Recovery from substance abuse helps everyone it touches. There are reasons for hope. Genuine progress and real recovery are possible. We no longer need to be ignorant about substance abuse, the addiction/recovery process or the wisest course of action for addicts and their family members. Most importantly, those among us who have experienced the recovery process have lots to share now about addiction, about life and about hope.

What are we learning? We're learning that it is important to focus on the basics: for example, on the foundational spiritual truths contained in the Twelve Steps. And we're learning something about God. At the lowest points of life our Higher Power will not abandon us. God will be there empowering us even when, perhaps especially when, we are powerless.

We are also learning that working a program works—that consistency and one-day-at-a-time courage can build a lifetime of sobriety. An old-timer in a Twelve Step group once asked me, "You know what happens to people like you who keep coming to meetings like this?" Taken aback, I stammered, "No," to which he replied, "They get better."

As people in recovery, we are also learning the value of a community of peers. In this impersonal, adrenaline-addicted society, those in recovery are stopping long enough to talk and to listen. To be sure, the talk in recovery groups is also teaching us something important about honesty and the importance of attentiveness to our internal longings and feelings. This way of relating is straightforward and goes much deeper than the rushed greetings to which we are accustomed in today's "normal" world. It is the truth-telling, liberating talk of the New Testament church.

The redemptive stories that emerge from people in chemical-addiction recovery can teach us hope. Instead of shaking our heads and wondering if anything can be done, our heads are being turned by one substantial change after another. Although not every recovery group nor every addict is a success story, we have reasons for hope.

The truths that people recovering from chemical addiction are learning and sharing are transferable. The basic spiritual disciplines that are so helpful to them can be profoundly helpful to anyone. Anyone. Addicts of all stripes can recover with hope because recovering addicts such as the founders of AA have forged new breakthroughs in addiction recovery.


Abundance and Scarcity

by Dale Ryan

Recovery is about learning to receive from God’s abundance.

Without knowing quite what I was saying, I once said this in therapy: "I’ve been thinking about abundance recently. . .and about how scarce it is." My therapist was amused, I think, but not particularly surprised.

Scarcity is a big-time, major-league, world-class issue for me. Over the years of my recovery I have come to see that scarcity-orientation is not, for me, just a situational reality. Scarcity is something which I experience as one of the core conditions of existence - it is what IS. There is not enough! We must ‘make do’ with what little we have. Sometimes what there is must be carefully preserved, or saved for special occasions or distributed carefully so as not to deplete the already limited supply.

I won’t take the space to elaborate on the reasons for my familiarity with scarcity. Those of you who have experienced abuse or neglect will perhaps recognize the dynamic. If as a young child you lived in a situation where there was in fact ‘not enough’ (emotionally, spiritually, or physically), then this can easily become a fundamental conviction about life. If you must adapt to a situation of scarcity in order to survive, then scarcity may shape what you expect all of life to be like. This is, I think, the most pernicious aftereffect of early life experiences of scarcity - we generalize the experience and find ourselves acting and thinking in terms of scarcity and being scarcity-oriented people even in situations where there really is abundance.

It is spiritual scarcity which has always seemed to me to be the most difficult. Recently I have come out of a relatively long period in which I have experienced a scarcity of spiritual nourishment. In church last Sunday I had a vision of myself as someone who has been lost in a vast desert for a long time but who finally arrived at an oasis. All through the desert wanderings I had a canteen of water with me - but I felt it necessary to ration that water with great care in order to make it last for a long time - believing that my survival depended on disciplining myself not to drink too much, too deeply, of the limited resources available to me.

As a consequence, when, in this image, I finally make it to an oasis, two very strange things happen. First, I am hesitant to take in the abundance. My survival depended for so long on careful rationing that it just doesn’t seem right to drink too deeply. I found myself thinking really strange things like "maybe this water isn’t really mine or for me, maybe I should try to survive for a little while longer on what I have left in my canteen, at least I’m sure that I’m entitled to that much" or, if in a more paranoid frame of mind ,"maybe the oasis water isn’t safe. What if this is a trick of some kind? A mirage? Or what if someone has poisoned the water? " Secondly, and more perversely perhaps, I found myself proud of my ability to ‘get by’. Afterall I’ve been working on scarcity management skills for a long time. I am, in fact, quite good at survival. I can manage very well with very little, almost nothing. ‘Making do’ seems like a virtue to me - only surpassed by the virtue of ‘making something out of nothing’. How often our adaptations to dyfunction sreceive, eem like virtues to us!

The bottom line for me is that even in a situation where abundance is the objective reality I find myself hesitant to resistant to joy, defended against abundance as if it were, at best, an experience to which I am not entitled.

 

i am awed today by the thought that God’s plans for me are for abundance. God’s grace is available to me - not just in carefully rationed doses, not just what’s left over - but all of God’s grace is available to me, all of it in it’s incredible abundance. And all of God’s love is available to me. Not just what can be ’scraped together’ - it is not the grudging, passive-aggressive love which the prodigal expected from his father - but all of God’s love is available to me.

Jesus, of course, said all of this quite clearly: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"(John 10:20). Paul affirms this as well when he describes "God’s abundant provision of grace"(Romans 5:17) and when praying to "him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine" he says "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."(Ephesians 3:17-19)

Will there be enough? I think so. I am fond of the way George MacDonald puts it in one of his books: "If we will but let our God and Father work his will with us, there can be no limit to his enlargement of our existence, to the flood of life with which he will overflow our consciousness. We have no conception of what life might be, of how vast the consciousness of which we could beinheritance. made capable. If every sunlit, sail-crowded sea under blue heaven flecked with wind-chased white filled your soul, as with a new gift of life, think what sense of existence must be yours if he, whose thought has but fringed its garment with the gladness of such a show, were to make his abode with you, and while thinking of the gladness of God inside your being, let you know and feel that he is carrying you as a Father in his bosom!"

May God grant you today a sense

the abundance of his grace

 and love which is your rightful .

 

On Addiction

In a recent Time magazine essay, Lance Morrow writes that ‘the mentality of addiction, of alcoholism, prevails in zones of American life even when no drugs are involved’. How true! This means, of course, that no ‘war on drugs’, no ‘drug czar’ will be able to solve our problems with addictions because drugs are not the problem. When one addictive substance or behavior is not available to us, we can surely choose another. A long list of socially acceptable addictive behaviors and processes (work, shopping, religion etc.) are available for those who are not attracted to chemicals. Anesthetics for the emotional pain of life are, and will always be, cheap and readily available.

Because of this we need to remind ourselves regularly that switching addictions is not the same thing as recovery. I reflected on this recently while watching an old movie on TV. Not that long ago alcoholism was a popular motif in comedy. Inebriated characters like those portrayed by Dean Martin were funny. There was a kind of bizarre lovableness to drunken characters. There was a laughable, likable, sociableness to alcoholism. Today, I think most of us look back on these movies in astonishment and wonder: "How could people have laughed at something this painful?".

But, have things changed? Two of the most popular comedies on television today feature addicted characters. Sam Malone on ‘Cheers’, who we are told is a ‘recovering’ alcoholic, runs a friendly neighborhood bar. Alcohol does not seem to be a problem at Cheers - no one is ever inebriated. But, the dramatic foundation of the Malone character is completely wrapped around his compulsive sexual quest. In exactly the same way that Dean Martin was funny because he was an alcohol addict, Sam Malone is funny because he is a sex addict. The Dan Fielding character on ‘Night Court’ is another example of a humorous portrayal of a sex addict. We laugh at his antics, his complicated sexual intrigues. We laugh in spite of the terror and self-loathing that lie just beneath the surface and in spite of the enormous social and personal costs of sex addiction.

Because switching addictions is such a common pitfall in recovery, we need to be clear that sobriety is not achieved by merely avoiding our preferred ‘drug’. When Sam Malone traded alcohol for sex he did not suddenly become a healthy person, he merely switched addictions. Sobriety is, rather, the process of living a completely new and non-compulsive kind of life. In this new way of life, we abandon all of our varied attempts to anesthetize ourselves to the emotional realities of life. In the process we learn that with God’s help and with the daily disciplines of recovery we can grow into physical, psychological, social and spiritual health.

May God grant you the courage today to recognize what

is real, the daily strength to choose life and the fellowship

you need on your journey. May your roots sink

deeply in the soil of his love.

Breaking the Chains of Substance Abuse

Clark Burlew is a recovering alcoholic who carrys the message of recovery to others. He has helped develop and administer treatment and recovery programs for many years. He is currently the Director of Marketing and Outpatient Services at Pacific Hills Treatment Centers in San Juan Capistrano, California. STEPS: Tell us something about yourself. How did you first get involved in substance abuse treatment? Clark: Well, let me start early. When I was a child my father was a pastor. And in my late teens I was able to choose whether or not I would continue to go to church. I decided to leave. I attended a church down the street for a while, but it was really just an easy way for me to start backing out of church entirely. For the next few years church just wasn't a priority. Pretty soon I wasn't going at all. From there, things just kind of progressed—or, more accurately, deteriorated. Eventually I found a way to deal with the pain and anguish in my life by using alcohol and drugs. To make a long story very short, I was consumed by alcohol and drugs until 1988.

 

On May 10, I hit bottom. Just when I wanted to die more than I wanted to live, God reached down into the muck and mire, picked me up and dropped me into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. God must have known that at that moment in my life I would not have been receptive to anybody except those rag-tag alcoholics. I had already been in hospital situations and treatment situations—but I had never been treated for alcoholism or drug addiction. I was treated for symptoms like stress, anxiety and things of that nature. It wasn't until I found myself in the rooms of AA that I started to face the mess that my life had become. My involvement in helping others during treatment actually began quite early in my own recovery. Shortly after I became sober I was at the opening of Community Psychiatric Centers in Laguna Hills, and I was asked if I would help out there on a voluntary basis. I became the coordinator between the hospital program and Twelve Step organizations in the community. I started taking patients to outside meetings. It was a very positive experience for me and I've been working in a variety of capacities at treatment programs ever since. STEPS: One of the concerns I have heard Christians express about treatment for addictions is that it might pose a threat to their spiritual health. What do you think about that? Clark: Well, recovery will always involve spiritual change. We need to honestly face the fact that what we have hasn't worked. And that can be pretty scary. It was for me. During my early years in recovery I struggled a lot with my own spirituality. Although I believed in a power greater than myself, I couldn't identify that power except with the confused notions of God that I had acquired in my childhood. And that higher power was abusive and hurtful. I knew there was a higher power, but the only one I had any relationship with didn't give me a lot of joy or comfort. It seemed to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. And that confused me.

Fortunately, I have had a series of spiritual awakenings during my recovery that brought me so close to God that I could no longer deny his presence in my life. Nor could I avoid the reality that God was a loving presence in my life rather than an abusive presence. But that took me some time. My misbeliefs took a long time to shed. It took time before I could feel the warmth and healing power of Christ in my life. All along I was looking for something to fill that God-shaped hole inside of me. During my search I tried all kinds of things. Drugs and alcohol didn't work. Then when I got sober I tried all kinds of spiritual paths. I studied different religions and philosophies. They all left me sad and wanting. I spent a lot of time studying and teaching other philosophies, and one night when I was feeling really void inside I got this surprising feeling of fullness and an inaudible voice said, "OK, you've tried everything else, why not try me?" At that point I put everything else down and I picked up the Bible. I read it from cover to cover. I had never given the God of the Bible a chance to come into my life. I also found a good Bible-teaching church and did a lot of growing there.

That doesn't mean that my spiritual growth has been easy. There have been some very difficult personal experiences. Five years into my recovery my mother died a horrible, horrible alcoholic death. The last thing she took into her body before she died was vodka. Three years later my father died and a year later I lost my son. During this period of time I also lost my health. I developed pulmonary embolisms and I was unable to breathe. Talk about getting back to basics: I learned the value of my next breath. I was gasping for each breath. Nothing else seemed important. After an operation the doctor put me on morphine, which was, as you might imagine, a very dangerous time for me. With every hit from the morphine pump I felt like I was being sucked down a long dark tube. During that dark time, I questioned the existence of God. I could not make sense out of anything. I asked to be taken off the morphine but the doctors hesitated because they insisted that the pain would be too intense. But I knew my survival depended on it. I was convinced that I was going to die on that morphine.

Well, I went home in a few days with nothing more than Tylenol for the pain. I cannot explain this except to note the obvious: this is the kind of thing that only God can do. I was not able to help myself. I couldn't even manage to believe that God was there to help me. But God can do the things we cannot do for ourselves. I had to do my part. I stopped using the morphine. But only God could do the healing. I think all of us will face painful experiences that threaten our sobriety. But these experiences can lead to spiritual growth rather than relapse when we turn them over to the care of a loving God. STEPS: Your early experiences in church were part of the problem. Do you find that to be true for many of the Christians who come to treatment centers for alcohol and drug problems? Clark: The Christian community in many cases does not understand the dynamics of addiction. There are exceptions, of course. Here in Southern California there are a number of large (and some smaller) churches that have dynamic recovery programs. But many churches have little or no knowledge about addictions and can easily become part of the problem. Unfortunately, there are many churches that think they don't have a problem in this area. STEPS: We still hear pastors and church leaders say, "I'm really excited about the kind of work you are doing and if we had anybody in our congregation with those kinds of problems. . .." Clark: Exactly. We find that a lot. The problem is complicated. The church may be uninformed about addiction, but the people struggling with addictions are also running and hiding. When I was running from God it just became easier and easier not to talk with God about the things going on in my life. I didn't set out to destroy my relationship with God all at once. It was a gradual thing over a period of time. The church may not have been very helpful to me during that time, but I was the one who gradually closed myself off to God's grace. I turned the light off. By the time I got to A.A. I would have told you I'm not interested in the God part of this at all. I was that cut off from my longing for God. STEPS: I suppose that Christians starting in recovery often struggle with the feeling that they have tried God and it didn't work. Clark: Yes. That's what I felt. Well, it's more confusing than that. On the one hand I didn't want to have anything to do with God. But on the other hand I was deeply unsatisfied with the "higher power" language. It just seemed too vague to me. Again, like most people in early recovery, my spirituality was confused and confusing. Now I am deeply grateful for the help I received from the "higher power" language. It helped me to get started again. I didn't have to understand all that yet. On one level I know I wanted to believe in God rather than a higher power, but as I said before, the only God I knew was a pretty abusive and shaming figure. A.A. helped open my mind to the possibility that the abusive God I had known in the past was not really God at all.

Another common problem, especially with Christians, is that so many churches teach a kind of one-step spirituality: Jesus Christ is all you need, and once you have Jesus Christ everything else is going to be wonderful. This kind of spirituality leaves out the fact that it takes a series of sheddings of self in order to find that relationship with Jesus Christ. I have covered myself with so many layers of disguises that until I get rid of some of the disguises, I'm going to keep playing the same old games. That's one place where treatment can be particularly helpful. It can give us a safe and supportive place to start shedding some of the old disguises that are messing up our life. STEPS: Let's talk more about treatment. If I remember correctly, from the very beginning of A.A. there was a recognition of the importance of medical treatment in addition to Twelve Step meetings.\ Clark: That's right. There are many of us who need a jump start to our recovery. It gives an opportunity to step out of the daily routine that has been adapted to the addictive process and allows a fresh chemical-free look at what's real. We get so used to dealing with matters inappropriately. Something needs to change in that whole system before recovery will be possible. Often an inpatient experience is just what is needed. And, of course, treatment is even more important if you need to detox. STEPS: People in general are not well informed about how dangerous it is to detox without medical supervision. Clark: That's absolutely right. In many cases people think that since the problem is just a matter of choice if a person is sincere enough and has enough will-power, they can just stop and everything will be fine. But detox from alcoholism can be fatal. Just stopping your intake of alcohol can lead to death. No one has good enough intentions and a strong enough will-power to avoid the medical complications of chronic alcoholism. Remember, detox is just the first step in any treatment program. It plays a vital role in keeping a person alive long enough to become receptive to the next treatment phase, which is designed to give a concentrated, intensive jump-start on what will need to be a new lifelong way of living. At Pacific Hills this involves an intensive introduction to the Twelve Step process coupled with biblical principles. People at this early stage of recovery have often lost all their support network. Their family may be hostile, they may not have a church community to support them, they may have alienated all of their friends. They have no support base. It's not a fun place to be in life. But sometimes that is what it takes to make us open to taking a different path in life. Spiritual humility is not easy to acquire. Many of us had to hit bottom pretty hard before we could become open to a different way of living. Part of the treatment process is to be there when people hit bottom and to help them start to systematically rebuild a support base. As part of this process we introduce clients to Twelve Step programs, we introduce them to Christian recovery programs in the community, and we explore the need for counseling if that is appropriate. STEPS: Recently I've talked to several people who thought that treatment programs for addiction were kind of hard-core boot camp things where harsh discipline and high control are the norm. Clark: I'm sure you can find places like that, but it's nothing at all like the kind of programs that I support. The foundation for the Christian approach to treatment is distinctive. It has to be rooted in love and compassion. We start with an assumption that each person who comes to us for help is a person of dignity, a person of importance, a person whom God loves deeply no matter how damaged their life may be at the beginning of treatment. STEPS: What sort of advice do you give to family members of a person who does not yet want to get better? Clark: I believe very strongly in the value of interventions. I don't necessarily like the term "tough love," but some of the principles of tough love may be necessary in order for a person to see his or her need. If I'm allowed to continue my inappropriate behavior, I will probably continue to do it as long as I can. The family often has to make some hard choices. They need to come alongside and offer support if the person gets help. But they may also need to say, "We choose not to watch you kill yourself in this way. We will not be a part of this dynamic of death." Sometimes withdrawing resources that are helping a person continue in their addiction is essential for recovery to begin. STEPS: So you don't have to wait until someone is actually dying before you get help. You can always get help for yourself right away. You may be able to be actively involved in helping your loved one to get help. But it may be that all you can do is stop being part of the problem. Clark: Exactly. An intervention is not just about having a meeting and having some professional come out and tell your loved one that they need help. The intervention event is only the beginning of a long process. Recovery will take a lifetime commitment. It will not be over after the intervention. Or after a few weeks in a treatment center. It is really important to remember that this is going to take time. And it is really important to remember that the recovery process is not just for the addict or the alcoholic. The whole family needs to experience some major changes. An intervention is critically important because it is the front door. It may be the first time that the truth gets told within a family in a way that a person can hear it. And that is a very powerful dynamic. Everyone in a family can learn from that and, hopefully, find ways to move forward in their own recovery. That's also why good treatment programs have a family component. Addiction is a systemic problem and needs a systemic response. STEPS: I guess most people understand that treatment can be emotionally painful. Talk to us about that. Clark: That can't be avoided. It can feel like now all of a sudden I'm an exposed nerve. I have no anesthetics in my body. And I'm being told I only have to change one thing and that's everything. That is painful. It's like having all of your defense mechanisms stripped away—not that they have been very helpful to us, but it feels like you are stripped naked. It is, however, right at that point that God has an opportunity to pour out his love and compassion. People feel like they are banging on the gates of hell, that there is no hope, that nothing can change. But even right there at the gates of hell, God can bring love and hope. That is one of the reasons why it is critical for care providers to have been through this process themselves. Unless you have been to the gates of hell yourself it is difficult to really explain. But if you have been there yourself, you may be able to communicate the hope of God's love in a way that will lovingly move a person toward the next step in the healing process. This is one of the key things we have learned from Alcoholics Anonymous—that the only person who really has credibility to an alcoholic is someone else who has been there themselves. STEPS: What other things are important for a quality treatment program? Clark: The optimum treatment varies for each individual. We have a 42-day program, but that doesn't mean each person stays that long. During that time the fog lifts, people begin to see hope, people get a lot of new skills that might be able to help them stay sober one day at a time for the rest of their lives. After inpatient treatment it's not necessarily the best thing to just go back to where you came from. So, like many treatment programs, we have a variety of part-day outpatient services that can help people continue to stabilize their recovery. During this time it is even more important for people to connect with the resources and support that are going to help them over the long haul. A kind of individualized sobriety program is designed by each person. At Pacific Hills we offer lifetime aftercare. So alumni can come back and participate in programs of various kinds. It's just another piece of the support system that can help build a

program that works. STEPS: I guess that emphasizes the difference between this kind of

problem and, say, a broken leg. If you have a broken leg, you go to the hospital. But after a while, the leg heals and then you don't have a broken leg anymore. Clark: Right. You have a crisis period up front where care is urgently needed. And you then probably have physical therapy for a period of time. But the time does come when you don't have the problem anymore. Alcoholism is not like that. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. It waits patiently for you. One fellow described it as dancing with a gorilla. You're not done dancing until the gorilla is done. That's how it worked for me. It takes however long it takes. I should emphasize that this is not a shock to God. God is not surprised by how long this sometimes takes. God is prepared to work with us no matter how long it takes. And that's pretty good news.

addicts annoymous....

 

The All Addicts Anonymous Program

Group meetingWith the coming of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), millions of alcoholics, otherwise hopeless, have found their way back to sanity. But there is far greater lifesaving power in the principles of AA than has yet been widely recognized, because what is involved is the practice of the ethical and spiritual principles common to all mankind, and applicable to all mankind.

The original Program of Alcoholics Anonymous consisted of the Four Absolutes of the Oxford Group, later formulated by AA as the Twelve Step Program. The Absolutes were the foundation on which the Steps were built. This original Program was a world-shaker. This is the Program by which co-founders Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith got sober — by which the famous first hundred AAs recovered — by which the whole movement was launched, in the United States and Canada, and worldwide.

Group meetingOver the years, as it turns out, a remarkable discovery has been made. It has been found that these original AA principles are equally effective in producing recoveries not only from addictive drinking but also from many other forms of addictive behavior, including both the substance addictions and the mental addictions. Consequently it is now possible to have one Program which works equally well for all addicts and all addictions, and especially for the many persons who are fighting more than one addiction at the same time.

And so the original Four Absolutes, the original Twelve Steps, and the original commentary on the Steps — as adapted for all addicts and all addictions — are now called the All Addicts Anonymous Program.

The Foaddictions)ur Absolutes (as adapted for all addicts and all

Note well: the Four Absolutes are the time-tested moral and ethical code of the All Addicts Anonymous Program. The Four Absolutes, in one form or another, have actually been the foundation of the moral and spiritual life of mankind in all ages and in all civilizations —

  1. Absolute honesty — no lying, no cheating, no stealing. In a word, in all your affairs, simply and absolutely no falsehood.
  2. Absolute purity — purity of mind, purity of body, purity of the emotions, purity of heart, sexual purity.
  3. Absolute unselfishness — seeking what is right and true in every situation above what I want.
  4. Absolute love — loving God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength, and your neighbor as yourself.

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (as adapted for all addicts and all addictions)

The Twelve Steps are a lifeline for alcohol addicts, many of whom — lacking opportunity to contact an AA group — have recovered by the mere knowledge and application of these twelve principles. It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, not only for alcoholics, but for all other addicts.

Adapted versions of the Twelve Steps have been used by non-alcoholics for many years — by the Al-Anon Family Groups, Alateen, Neurotics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and many others. The original version of the Steps, for use by alcoholics only, may be found in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous (New York, 1976: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.).

The Twelve Steps as adapted for use in the All Addicts Anonymous Program can be used by any addict—

  1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions, that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Ten Points (as adapted for all addicts and all addictions)

Chapter five of the book Alcoholics Anonymous has always been a faithful guide for people who want to practice the Twelve Step Program. The following Ten Points are a summary of the lifesaving directions given in chapter five, and currently used in the All Addicts Anonymous Program

  1. Completely give yourself to this simple Program.
  2. Practice rigorous honesty.
  3. Be willing to go to any lengths to recover.
  4. Be fearless and thorough in your practice of the principles.
  5. Realize that there is no easier, softer way.
  6. Let go of your old ideas absolutely.
  7. Recognize that half measures will not work.
  8. Ask God’s protection and care with complete abandon.
  9. Be willing to grow along spiritual lines.
  10. Accept the following pertinent ideas as proved by All Addicts Anonymous experience:
  • that you cannot manage your own life;
  • that probably no human power can restore you to sanity;
  • that God can and will if sought.
  • ----------------------------------

Getting Help

by Juanita R. Ryan We have all heard stories and seen movies about people who have spent years in prison, hoping and praying for release. Finally, they are paroled. They are set free. They walk outside the prison walls into wide open spaces. No more bars or guards. No one is watching and controlling their every move.

But is freedom really what they expected? No. They step into freedom only to be overwhelmed, disoriented and frightened. Years of confinement have left them with a strange and twisted sense both of themselves and of the world. Some are tragically unable to embrace the reality of a self that is free and a world that is large with possibilities. So, they commit a petty crime to break parole and return to the cruel familiarity of prison life. They are no longer people in prison but people who have become prisoners. They no longer have an identity independent of the prison.

Why is freedom so disorienting? So scary? How can it be so difficult to embrace?

When the issue is physical freedom, we may not relate to this fear of freedom. But when the issue is spiritual freedom we know it well. All of us who struggle with forgiveness have experienced this same kind of resistance to freedom. We have probably all been told many times that one of the reasons we need to forgive is because it will "set us free." Forgiveness, we are told, will free us from being forever bound to the injury we have experienced. But even though Jesus himself comes and unlocks our prison door, we may find ourselves resisting the freedom which forgiveness brings. The freedom that comes from forgiveness causes something deep inside of us to start screaming "No!"

The longer a person is physically imprisoned, the more difficult it is for them to fully welcome freedom when it finally comes. People who have been in prison for a year or two can remember who they were outside the prison walls. They can remember something of the joy of a world of possibilities and open spaces. But when twenty or thirty years have gone by, people begin to forget who they are and what life was meant to be.

A similar reality is at work in us spiritually when we consider the possibility of the freedom which forgiveness can bring. Wounds which are deep — which happened to us early in life, or which were inflicted over a long period of time, or which took place in our most intimate relationships — can have a profound effect on our understanding of who we are and disable our capacity to embrace life as it was meant to be. Our concept of ourselves, of others and of life can become twisted and distorted. Taking a step toward forgiveness: remembering who we are

When the wounding we have experienced runs deep, we can unknowingly take on the identity of "victim." When the wound is deep enough, being victimized is no longer about something that unfairly, terribly was done to us. It becomes who we are. Even though it is an identity that paradoxically leads us back into the prison of shame and despair, a prison where we are likely to experience yet more abuse, we clutch it to ourselves as if it were a treasure. Indeed, it is a treasure to us, because we have come to believe that it is all we have left. We believe it is who we are in the core of our being. To give it up would be to lose everything. It would mean losing ourselves. Then who would we be? We fear that we would be nothing. When we have spent too much time behind the bars of shame and fear and rage, when we become victims, the freedom that forgiveness offers will throw us into a crisis.

In a powerful and personal story of the struggle to forgive a lifetime of racial hatred, Patricia Raybon describes the desperate love affair that can develop with a sense of self as victim:

Indeed, our pain inspired our music. And it was wondrous. Pain provoked our humor, and that was cleverly good too. The way we move our bodies, so fluid and fully inseparable from experience, was all sublime and beautiful and it came, too, from our suffering. We perhaps, indeed, were one and the same with our ordeal—with its pain and misery and sensuality, its noise and heat and burnished light and darkness. . . There was

danger in letting that go—in not being victim—because, then, who would we be?

 I remember clearly the day I experienced God speaking to me about this. "I want to heal you," I sensed God saying. "I want to take away all the shame and despair and fear that you carry. This is the gift of healing - a gift that makes forgiveness possible. It is because I can undo all the shame and fear that you can forgive the wrongs which were done to you."

For an instant I thought: "What an offer! What a gift!" I fully expected to hear myself responding with a clear, grateful "yes." But instead, I hesitated. I fought with myself. To my amazement, instead of saying "yes," I found myself saying, "Wait a minute. Wait! Who will I be without this shame, this rage, this despair, this fear?"

I could not hear any answer to this question at the time. It hung in the air - a question that stood between me and healing. Who will I be if I am not consumed with shame? Who will I be if fear does not rule my life? Who will remember the wrong done to me if my rage subsides? How will life make sense without my despair? I had no answers to these questions.

Fortunately, over time, answers have come. Who will I be if I live in the freedom of healing and forgiveness? I will be myself, my true self — the person I have always really been — God’s own deeply loved child.

When Jesus read from the Scriptures in the synagogue at the beginning of his ministry, he read from Isaiah 61:

The Spirit of The Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1-3

When a person who has been held in prison for decades is released, they may think, "Don’t I need to be controlled, constricted, confined, humiliated, abused? Who am I if I am not this person others seem to think I am? Who am I? Am I no one at all?" Similar questions arise when we begin to experience healing from the deep wounds inflicted by others. When Jesus comes to set us free we may ask ourselves, "What am I saying about myself if I even think about forgiving?" We may wonder: "Don’t I need my shame to remind me that I have been treated like I don’t matter? Don’t I need my despair to remind me not to hope that I can be loved?"

What we are saying about ourselves when we consider stepping into the fullness of healing and forgiveness, is that no matter what has been done to us, even

though our offender treated us as if we were not lovable or valuable, the truth is we are loved and valued. We are saying that even though we have been victimized, these events do not tell us who we are. We are acknowledging that no matter how badly we were treated, we are, and always have been, and always will be, beloved children of God.

We can let go of our rage and despair and shame because they do not define us. They are not who we are. We do not need them any longer. We can begin to say "yes" to deep healing and full forgiveness when we understand that when Jesus comes and "proclaims the captives free," he will not leave us empty handed. Jesus promises us that as we open our fists and let go of the shame and rage and despair to which we have clung, they will be replaced with wonderful gifts — gifts befitting a child of God. We will see ourselves as God sees us — loved and lovely — "crowned with beauty, anointed with gladness and dressed in a garment of praise." Taking a step toward forgiveness: remembering who our offender is

When I think of people who have been imprisoned for long periods, I often think of Nelson Mandela. He was imprisoned for decades because he sought justice and worked to bring apartheid to an end in South Africa. He experienced decades of victimization. Yet, when the day of his release finally came, he was able to fully embrace his freedom. How did he do it? How did he manage not to become victim and prisoner? How did his spirit stay free all those years?

One of the realities we know about Mandela is that he made friends of the men who were his prison guards. He talked to them about their families, their lives, themselves. This was not some gimmick or manipulation. Some of these men were honored as the friends they had become by being invited to sit on the inauguration platform behind Mandela when he became South Africa’s president. I believe that these friendships grew out of Mandela’s genuine capacity to remember what would have been so easy to forget — that these guards were human, like himself. That they, like himself, were God’s own children.

We are aware that forgiveness which assumes a superior position to our offender is not forgiveness at all, but arrogance. Some have suggested that a solution to this temptation is to see ourselves as potentially as "bad" as our offender. But this only leads us into deeper shame. I believe the solution is found in remembering both who we are and who our offender is. I am God’s beloved child. My offender is God’s own, God’s dearly loved child. People who have harmed us may be on the run from God, as was the prodigal, but this does not change who they are, any more than it changed who the prodigal was, or how his father saw him.

I believe that Mandela’s capacity to fully embrace his freedom came out of his ability to remember who he was and who his oppressors were. Or, said another way, his spirit stayed free all those years because in remembering who he was and who his oppressors were, he was able to forgive. When we are able to remember that we are God’s dearly loved children, we are able to take one step toward forgiveness and the freedom it offers. When we are able to remember that the one who has offended us is also God’s very own, loved by him, we are able to take a second step toward forgiveness and it’s gift of freedom.

Jesus taught us to love our enemies and to pray for those who seek to harm us (Matthew 5:43). Perhaps as we learn to pray for our offenders we open ourselves to seeing them again, to remembering who they are. How might we pray? Perhaps we can pray that we will be given the grace to see ourselves and our offender through God’s eyes of love rather than through our offender’s eyes of shame and rage. Perhaps we can pray for them that God will open their eyes to see us, to really see us, as God’s own children. Perhaps we can pray for them that God will open their hearts to remember who they themselves are, so that they can release the shame and fear and rage that drives them. Perhaps we can pray that they will come to know themselves as God knows them, to see themselves as God sees them, as his very own, dearly loved children. The Gift of Forgiveness possible? It isn’t possible. Not for us on our own. Forgiveness is nothing less than a miracle. It is a gift from God. We need God to teach us forgiveness. We need God to let us see ourselves and others through his eyes of love. The only way we can forgive is with God’s help.

The capacity to see ourselves and our offender as loved by God is a gift we can ask for, we can seek and we can stay open to. Scripture tells us clearly that it is a gift God wants to give us. God wants us to know the joy of being loved and of loving. He longs to give us the freedom that such love can bring.

The gift of forgiveness begins as we recognize the reality of the hurt we have experienced and acknowledge that we have come to see ourselves through the eyes of the one who hurt us, rather than through God’s eyes. As we become willing to give up this distorted view of ourselves — as victim, as unloved, as without value — healing begins and we take the first step toward forgiveness. We begin to see that what we believed to be permanent damage inflicted on the core of our person, is not permanent at all. All the shame and fear and rage and despair can be undone. It can be healed by God. We can be free from all of it. We can know ourselves to be God’s own beloved children.

If the wound inflicted by our offender can be undone — if nothing he or she did, or failed to do, can change the reality of who we are as God’s children — why do we need to hold them forever in the prison of our rage? It serves no purpose. It only stands in the way of our full freedom. And so, God opens the way for us to see our offender as our brother or sister, loved dearly by the same One who loves us. They may or may not see us or themselves in this Light. But God offers us this possibility. God offers us the amazing possibility of love.

What is forgiveness? What is the freedom it brings? Forgiveness is a return to love. And the freedom forgiveness brings is the freedom both to know ourselves as loved and the freedom to express the love God has placed in us for himself and others. This is what life was meant to be — this loving and being loved, freely, without shame and fear.

It is important to say that the gift of being able to see ourselves and our offender as loved brings deep clarity to acts which are less than loving. Acts which are disrespectful, hateful or abusive can no longer be ignored or minimized in any way. Such acts attempt to deny who I am and who my offender is. Such acts attempt to demean and debase and sometimes even destroy what God knows to be precious. This is the reason such acts are objectionable. This is why we must speak against them and stand against them. It is, in the end, the miracle of forgiveness which awakens in us a true passion for justice, as well as a deep love of mercy (Micah 6: 8).

Forgiveness is the gift of being able to remember in the face of demeaning, debasing or destructive behaviors, both that such acts are objectionable, and that such acts are ultimately powerless. Abuse may attempt to demean and debase and destroy, but it does not and cannot change the truth of who I am, or who my offender is. This is just as true if I am the offender, or if I am the offended. Both of us remain God’s own children, always loved by him. Always. There is nothing we can do and there is nothing that can be done to us that can change this reality. It is a reality protected by God, held in God’s hands, untouched by the forces of darkness and evil, no matter how strong they may seem.

Forgiveness is a gift which allows me to give up condemnation of myself and condemnation of those who have hurt me. It is a gift which allows me to remember, even if my offender has forgotten, who I am and who they are. Forgiveness is not a gift I can possess. But, like grace, as a part of grace, it is given and given and given again, as I need it, as I seek it.

Jesus asked us to remember him. When we celebrate Christ’s death and resurrection in the sacraments of the bread and wine, we are to remember Jesus. What are we remembering? We are remembering, in part, that the attempts to demean and destroy him were futile — that victimizing Jesus did nothing to change who he is. We are remembering that this ultimate abuse of Jesus did not change how Jesus saw his offenders. We are remembering his love for us. We are remembering that the joy of loving and of being loved is what life is about. We are remembering the gift, the miracle, the amazing freedom of forgiveness.

 

Relapse and the Brain

by Michael Dye and Patricia Fancher

In very simplistic terms, we have two parts to our brains. The first part is the neocortex. It is located in the front of the head and receives and stores information for decision making and remembering. The other part is called the limbic system, which controls all the automatic systems of the body and the emotions. Most importantly, the limbic system controls the survival responses, i.e., "fight or flight." When you feel threatened, these protective responses tell you either to defend yourself or to run away. The limbic system doesn't have a memory like the neocortex. It doesn't know the difference between yesterday and 30 years ago, which explains why some of our childhood traumas still trigger us so powerfully today. It is the limbic system that is most affected by our beliefs, behaviors and addictions. The limbic system can be negatively programmed through traumatic experiences such as growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Drugs, alcohol and other compulsive behaviors have programmed the limbic system to avoid awareness of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings instead of making healthy responses to resolve fear. The Addictive Brain

Events come through our senses and are fed into various parts of the brain. The limbic system colors or tags these events with degrees of response as either safe or dangerous. If tagged dangerous because of past trauma, either real or imagined, it reacts by creating anxiety or depression. If the event is tagged having to do with survival, the limbic system can create a focused craving for behavior that has been associated with survival in the past. The craving focuses our attention on that behavior until we feel safe or normal again. Thus an addiction is created. Addiction is not about getting high but [it provides] a way to feel normal (free of stress). The conscious mind learns to cooperate with the survival behavior (addiction) and protects it from being challenged by a filtering process called denial. The result is the addictive brain.

The limbic system learned that having needs in a dysfunctional family resulted in vulnerability, hurt, abandonment, and isolation. In order to survive day after day in a dysfunctional/threatening atmosphere, a person has to find a system of thought that will allow for survival. One way they may have done this is by thinking "I don't need anybody. If I don't need anybody, I'm not vulnerable. If I'm not vulnerable, I don't get hurt." (Of course, this is a survival lie.) Every time a feeling of vulnerability is experienced, fear creeps in and warns, "Danger!" Feelings of fear and panic signal you to flee from possible hurt.

This limbic process responds automatically and subconsciously. Even after the painful or traumatic situation is over, the subconscious still believes that "If I have needs and trust other people, I'm going to get hurt and I won't survive." When trust issues come up today, the limbic system reacts as it was programmed to perceiving fear of vulnerability.

This fear can be expressed in rage, self-gratification and mistrust which creates a survival personality. Your survival personality makes you feel in control (free of fear and stress). This false sense of control is often achieved through self-gratification or compulsive/addictive behaviors which temporarily removes the awareness of the unwanted thoughts and feelings. The limbic system reacts to or controls basically three areas: food, sex and safety. Which is why all our compulsive/addictive behaviors are in these three areas.

To change, you must reprogram your brain by first discovering these false beliefs and then replacing them with the truth. You will realize that you have been sabotaging relationships by believing you don't need anybody. The truth is you need to trust God and others. The limbic system will make it very difficult for you to make changes that involve risk (like recovery) unless it feels it is safe. And it's not safe to take risk alone. Limbic Lag

Even though you've discovered false beliefs, uncovered the lies and know a new truth, there is a time lag between what your limbic system believes and what your neocortex has learned. This is called limbic lag, a process that can be anywhere from a couple of months to years, but it will get shorter as you continue to challenge the false beliefs (traumatic memories) and risk trusting people. You may have fear and panic attacks, but once you go through them without doing the old behavior, your limbic system will say, "Oh, we went through that and actually survived." The next time you experience the fear it will be less, and you will be able to make a good choice rather than overreacting with a "fight or flight" response.

Old automatic habits aren't changed quickly or easily, and are stronger when we're tired. Many recovering addicts and trauma survivors have programmed the survival part of their brains with thousands and thousands of instances of avoiding unwanted thoughts or emotions choosing not to "fight" with their issues, but to take "flight" into their addiction. Over time, this "flight" pattern becomes an automatic reaction. With a new identity based on new beliefs, they can change that flight pattern or reprogram their limbic system.

Change happens one decision at a time. No matter what your emotions tell you would feel good to do (drugs, alcohol, sex, food), listen to what your mind knows, and do what is best or right. If you continue to apply this key thought, you will begin to break the "flight" pattern, and decrease the time of the limbic lag process. Anger and Anxiety

Drugs and alcohol are anesthetics. They do one thing: they kill pain. It is reasonable to assume that when you give up the anesthetic, you will feel the pain, discomfort and uneasiness. Knowing what to do when this occurs is a critical skill in relapse prevention. Relapse prevention is finding new appropriate ways to respond to painful situations. In order to learn appropriate responses to pain, addicts have to allow themselves to feel. The two most common responses to pain are anger and anxiety.

Anger is one of the most common responses to pain. This kind of response becomes "normal" in dysfunctional families where no one can admit problems or fears. Anger helps us cope with pain by physically making us tense, which causes excitement, releasing adrenaline and endorphins, diverting our attention from the pain. An angry response produces a neurochemical response similar to taking cocaine.

Most people say that anger makes them feel bad afterwards, but in the moment anger itself makes us feel "big, right, strong, aggressive and powerful." Anger is a powerful physical and emotional anesthetic. Heroin is a powerful pain killer. When I ask heroin-addicted clients, "How much heroin would you have to do for you not to feel it if I hit you in the face as hard as I could?" their answer is always the same: "Right on the verge of overdosing and dying." Similarly, when a person is really angry, he can be hit in the face and not feel it.

Consciously or subconsciously, we have learned to use emotions such as anger to kill pain and to avoid subconscious, unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories. Many addicts have an addiction to anger as well as drugs, especially if their role models were "rageaholics." Healthy people move towards their pain and face it courageously. Although risk is uncomfortable, we all enjoy the feeling that comes through conflict resolution and a clear conscience. Holding on to anger or avoiding things that need to be dealt with takes a tremendous amount of energy. Repressing the awareness of unresolved conflicts leads to exhaustion and resentment.

Anxiety is equally used as an anesthetic to cope with feelings. Though uncomfortable, this emotion releases a neurochemical or neurochemicals that cause the body to speed up and avoid depression. Dr. Stiles in his book Thorns in the Heart states that:

Besides making us alert in crisis situations, anxiety has an additional function. It serves as an antidote to emotional and physical pain. Since anxiety is commonly thought of in connection with pain and distress, its pain-masking function may come as a surprise. If anxiety causes emotional pain, how does it also stop it? In modest amounts, anxiety is an effective smoke screen.

Here's where the trouble begins. When we find anxiety has served us well in a particular situation, such as masking pain, we may deliberately use it again. At this point our lower brain begins to record our response. Soon, an imprint, or habit, develops and we have learned anxiety. In time, anything triggering these learned patterns, or imprints, will produce the anxiety responses.

If a person holds on to two small unresolved resentments which produce anxiety each day, in a year they would add up to 730! How many resentments do you think a person can hold inside as unresolved problems before that person relapses? What we know is this: resentment relapses alcoholics and afrom it stem all forms of spiritual disease." Relapse

Relapse is a predictable process. It has identifiable stages, each of which has a distinctive neurochemical basis. The FASTER Scale is a neurochemical model of relapse that identifies specific high risk behaviors for each stage of the relapse process. Before relapse happens, many biological, psychological and social changes affect our neurochemistry. Addicts speed up their avoidance behaviors, increasing anxiety and anger to mask pain. This depletes endorphins, causing hopelessness and exhaustion. In this state of exhaustion, addicts isolate and feel they cannot cope without chemicals.

Every letter in the word "FASTER" stands for one of the steps in the relapse scale. This scale reflects a progression of strong emotions that mask pain. It explains neurochemically what almost every addict goes through in his descent to relapse. Remember, anger and anxiety release adrenaline and norepinephrine, which speed up the body. After speeding up we get ticked off and then exhausted.

All the steps in the relapse process have one thing in common: procrastination. A problem that was never dealt with begins each state. As you fail to deal with problems, you move down the FASTER scale. Crisis comes at a time when you are least able to deal with it emotionally. The short version of the FASTER scale is forgetting priorities—speeding up—ticked off—exhausted—relapse. To interrupt the descent into relapse, addicts must take responsibility for where they are on the scale by becoming aware of their behavior and make good choices to stop the downward spiral.

ddicts. As it says in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: "Resentment is the ‘number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else;

How is it possible in the face of real and terrible victimization to remember that we are God’s dearly loved children and to remember that our offender is also God’s dearly loved child? How is .........

 

October 04

relationships and recovery...

peace
 
 

Relationships and  recovery......

Loving God and your neighbor as yourself. That, according to Jesus, is the heart of the matter. Loving relationships with God, with other people and with ourselves are the heart of what is important in life. Relationships are the substance of the recovery journey, the central agenda of God’s kingdom and the key to health and healing. The Bible is abundantly clear about this. The new life we have in Christ is not a privatized, self-sufficient, self-helped kind of life. It is, rather, a shared life, a life of participation in community, a life in relationship, a life enriched by mutual-help.

In spite of this, a great many of us prefer self-sufficiency. We prefer not needing other people. And we have understandable reasons for this preference. We have, many of us, been hurt in relationships. And we have learned that there are many rewards for being self-sufficient. I learned this quite early in life and adopted not-being-needy as a life-style. I found that I gained respect for not-being-needy. I was invited to be the strong, capable kind of person who selflessly paid attention to the needs of others. Not surprisingly, I chose a career in professional Christian ministry.

Not needing other people, of course, is all pretend. It isn’t real. It is completely fake. I am, and I have always been, a needy person. I am not remotely close to being self-sufficient. Nor have I ever been. It is possible to sustain the pretense for a while, but eventually the effort required to sustain the illusion becomes too great and we wind up exhausted, frustrated and depressed. The realities of life force us, eventually, to face facts. We cannot survive just being a giver in relationships. We need to receive as well.

I spoke recently with a pastor who supervises recovery ministry in a large local church. He told me about a conversation with congregational leaders in which the participants in the recovery ministry were referred to as ‘extra grace required’ people. We both were amazed at the level of denial (and the sub-Christian theology) which underlie such language. But the truth is that for most of my life I could easily have prayed "Thank you God that I am not like others who need extra grace." (see Luke 18:10 for Jesus’ attitude about prayers of this kind ). Today it is abundantly clear to me that I need as much grace as is available. There is no such thing as an ‘extra grace required’ person, of course, but, if there were, I would certainly qualify. The good news is that there is no shortage of grace. All of God’s grace is available. All of the endless resources of God’s grace have been made available to us through Jesus.

Like anyone who attempts to make not-being-needy a life-style, the development of this kind of toxic individualism has had profound consequences for my life. Recovery, for me, has meant a lot of change. But none of the changes have been as fundamental as the changes in my illusions of self-sufficiency. Every single step in recovery is a challenge to this kind of grandiosity. Every day in recovery is a day closer to new and healthier relationships. Relationships based on the truth rather than relationships based on the illusions of not-being-needy.

In the process of learning that I am a needy person, I have been repeatedly impressed by the forces in our culture which make recovery difficult. There are many rewards for those who can manage to present themselves as not-needy. And there can be a great deal of shame reserved for those whose needs are exposed.

 

Cultural Bias Against Needs & Relationships

We live in a culture which encourages the not-being-needy life style. The Lone Ranger, the Hollywood Star, the Super-Hero, the Entrepreneur. . . our world is full of such images which emphasize individual performance rather than relational or community values. It effects every area of our lives. I have been impressed recently, for example, by the way in which our culture emphasizes ‘leaving home’ as the central metaphor for the tasks of adolescence. This way of talking about adolescence views parent-child relationships as something to leave rather than as something to mature. The implied goal is not ‘developing an adult-to-adult relationship with your parents that will last for a life time’ or ‘learning to take adult responsibility as a mature member of the community.’ Rather, because we are so out of touch with our need for parenting, we find it easier to talk about ‘growing up’ as if it required us to bring parental relationships to an end. We just ‘leave home.’ The truth, of course, is that we need parenting. Even adults need parents. We need parents at age 40 in different ways that we needed them at age 4, but we still need parents. This is just one very small example of the way in which the metaphors and instincts of our culture devalue relationships. We live in a world where the mythology of self-actualized, self-contained, self-helped and self-absorbed individuals dominates the landscape.

Fortunately, there have always been advocates for placing a higher priority on community and relationships. People with enough sanity to recognize their own neediness have always reminded us that healthy relationships are the goal, not just self-actualization. John Winthrop has often been presented as a prime historical example of this tradition in America. In his frequently referenced sermon given on board ship in 1630 just before landing in Salem harbor this Puritan leader said "We must delight in each other, make others conditions our own, rejoyce together, mourn together, labor and suffer together, always having before our eyes our community as members of the same body." John Wesley made the same point a hundred years later in 1738 when he wrote ". . .[there is] no holiness but social holiness." The choice of language is a little different from how we would say it today but the message is the same - we are not isolated individuals seeking self-actualization but a community of people who seek healing. What a difference it would have made if this biblical emphasis had played a larger role in the shaping of our culture’s values!

It has often been a source of amazement to me to see how frequently an anti-need and anti-relationship bias has effected the mental health community. I, naively, expected that therapists and others who work in the ‘mental health’ field would share, consciously or unconsciously, in the biblical tradition of valuing community and relationships. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that many therapists are deeply committed to alternative values, most typically the values of expressive individualism. Robert Bellah and his coauthors in Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life describe ‘therapeutic consciousness’ and suggest that "In its pure form, the therapeutic attitude denies all forms of obligation and commitment in relationships, replacing them only with the ideal of full, open, honest communication among self-actualized individuals. . . .In a world of independent individuals who have no necessary obligation to one another, and whose needs may or may not mesh, the central virtue of love - indeed the virtue that sometimes replaces the idea of love - is communication." There are, of course, many in professional roles who share the biblical commitment to relationships. The emergence of a family systems orientation among mental health providers in the last decade or so, while it is no guarantee that a therapist shares in the biblical tradition of valuing relationships, is an encouraging example of the recovery of biblical traditions in the mental health community.

It is true, of course, that the skills of ’self reliance’ and the ‘resiliency’ that we learn in neglectful and abusive environments can be extremely useful skills. They should not be dismissed as worthless. Hypervigilance and dissociation, which are some of the most lasting effects of trauma, are skills that can save our lives in dangerous situations. They are just what we need on a battlefield. But they are not the skills that will help us deepen relationships and sustain community over the long haul. We cannot build a full healthy life out of self reliance and resiliency. We need each other. I should probably emphasize that the recovery journey is not designed to take us from self-reliant needlessness to other-reliant neediness. The goal of recovery is not to encourage dependency on other people. The goal is, rather, to recognize what is real - we are needy but resourceful people who can both give and receive in mutual relationships. The journey of recovery is away from covert and unproductive attempts to meet needs which we refuse to acknowledge and towards direct attempts to responsibly meet needs which we fully acknowledge.

 

Anti-need Bias & the Christian Community

Unfortunately there are many examples of the fact that the Christian community participates in the anti-need, anti-relationship bias of our culture. I spoke some time ago with the personnel director of a large Christian organization. This organization had been experiencing a rather high staff turnover rate and had come to the conclusion that this was because of the ‘personal dysfunctions’ of the people they had employed. His solution to the problem? Hire people who don’t have problems. He was prepared to work hard to find really healthy people who were self-sufficient and self-reliant - people who had overcome the difficulties of their troubled family backgrounds and who no longer had needs which would interfere with their productivity. Sound like a good idea? Like many Christian ministries, this organization had made the decision to hire the ‘heroes’ from dysfunctional homes - the overachievers, the people who do not appear needy. How dramatically different from the instincts of Jesus! Jesus’ personnel policies did not include a preference for people who had no needs. Just the opposite. If you are well, as Jesus put it, you have no need for a physician. If you have no needs, the whole Christian enterprise will neither interest you nor be helpful to you. The Kingdom of God is not intended to be the playground of need-less heroic individuals. It is intended by God to be a place where needy people who are prepared to share the journey with others will find a community of safety and healing. It is precisely our needs, surprisingly, which qualify us for participation in God’s Kingdom - both as recipients of God’s grace and as servants within the community of people who seek to follow Jesus.

On the theological level it is not difficult to see the influence of toxic individualism on American Christianity. American theology in the last century as been deeply shaped by a ‘decisionist’ emphasis. The focus of this kind of theology is on the importance of an individual making correct choices. What is thought to be critical is that an individual ‘choose Jesus’ or ‘decide for Christ.’ It is important to recognize that this focus on individual decision making is only one of many ways to communicate the heart of the Christian message. It is a theological frame of reference deeply connected with a particular tradition in western philosophy which emphasizes individualism and the centrality of volition (choosing) in human personhood.

My point is not that decisionist theology is ‘bad’ theology. Nor is it necessarily ‘unbiblical’ theology. My point is that this emphasis on individual decision-making comes with some significant dangers. We need to remember that Jesus’ distinctive call to his followers was not "decide for me." It was "Come follow me." I think it is quite clear from the text that for Jesus this meant "Come, be a part of the community of people who are following me." Decisionist theology is risky theology in our historical context because of the way in which it can reinforce some of the most toxic elements of individualism. The effects of this toxicity can be plainly seen in the Christian community. There is no more isolated or privatized form of spirituality than one based on the belief that "all I need in life is Jesus." Yet to many Christians today this may sound like basic Christian truth. It is not basic Christian truth. It never has been. Jesus did not teach toxic individualism. Scripture makes it very clear that we are not designed to live isolated, self-sufficient lives. The ‘just me and Jesus’ life-style is far short of God’s intentions for us. We are created by God for life in community - for life shared, life interdependent. We are hard-wired for rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn. It is not good for us to be alone. Never has been. Never will be.

 

Recovery and relationships

The burdens of toxic individualism are heavy. Most of us eventually find that we can’t sustain the pretense any longer. The unavoidable realities of life force us to realize that we need help. And that means we need relationships, we need a community, we need fellowship in recovery. We need to admit to someone else that we are out of control and desperately lonely. Much to our surprise, we find that this moment of painful but honest self-awareness can be the starting point for a life of recovery.

One of the basic strengths of the recovery movement is it’s acknowledgment of our need for each other. Recovery from past wounds or from present addictions does not happen in isolation. It happens in fellowship with others. We do not recover by reading books about recovery. We do not recover by becoming more educated about recovery. Recovery is a course with a laboratory requirement. The lectures alone may be interesting but they won’t give you what you really need. Fellowship in recovery is essential because it gives us opportunities to practice self-awareness, honesty, respectful listening, constructive conflict and making amends. It is in community that we learn new ways to think, feel and live.

It is no accident that the fundamental spiritual disciplines which make recovery possible are social disciplines. We have learned how to be the way we are in relationships. And we will learn to be new and different kinds of people in new and healthier relationships. If you look carefully at what people actually do when they do recovery, you will find that we invest in relationships by practicing several traditional spiritual disciplines. For example, we practice confession, testimony, and making amends. These are not activities which we can do in isolation. Recovery takes place in community, in relationships.

Let’s look more closely at how this works in the case of confession. Confession has long been a spiritual discipline practiced within the Christian community. With this long tradition has come very mixed results. Confession is subject to many kinds of abuses. When implemented in non-mutual relationships, confession can easily deteriorate into a shamefest. In response to abuses of this kind, of course, many Christian communities have abandoned the whole practice of confession. But, when abandoned entirely, people will find alternative ways to meet their need for confession. Recent American experience provides a remarkable example of how this works. You don’t have to watch very much daytime TV in America to find quite extraordinary examples of a kind of extreme autobiographical exhibitionism. This is the kind of bizarre substitute for confession which people will invent when they lack appropriate and healthy communities in which to practice confession. Talk shows are full of people ‘dumping’ unprocessed trauma on national TV in a kind of naive hope that ‘getting it out’ will purge the trauma from their emotional system. But emotional ‘dumping’ is not the same as confession. To be helpful at all, confession requires a confessing community - a place where mutual confession is accompanied by long term commitments to relationships in which we learn from the experience, faith and hope of others.

Confession is one of the things that the Christian community is recovering as the Christian recovery movement grows. In the most basic 12 step group and in many other kinds of support groups confession is practiced in ways that are life transforming. Far from creating shame, the practice of confession can lead to personal growth because of the support, encouragement, faith and hope received from the fellowship of co-strugglers. A similar dynamic can take place in healthy therapeutic relationships. A relationship with a therapist has been for many of us the first really safe relationship within which to face the shame we experience about being needy and the fear of what it will mean if we acknowledge these needs.

It is important, of course, to emphasize that the purpose of therapeutic relationships is not just to learn how to have a good relationship with yourself or to have a good relationship with a therapist. The purpose of therapeutic relationships is to learn the basic skills and to become the kind of person who can have a reasonably healthy relationship with anyone - including yourself and your therapist. Similarly the goal of recovery groups is not just to learn how to have healthy relationships with other people in recovery - but to learn the skills and to become the kind of person who can have a reasonably healthy relationship with anyone. Step twelve of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has always seemed full of wisdom to me. By emphasizing ‘carrying the message to others’ it makes it clear that recovery is not just about me. It is about consciously investing in relationships with people who are still deeply entrenched in the addictive process. Sobriety, in the twelve step tradition, is not just not using. It is a whole new life style that involves mutual-support, conscious investments in our relationship with God and disciplined efforts to reach out to others.

 

Making Relationships a Priority

I have not found it easy to make relationships, fellowship and community a priority. Sometimes it feels like swimming upstream against the pressure of generations of family dysfunction, against the pressure of cultural biases against intimacy, and against my own introverted predisposition. But I cannot think of any significant real change that I’ve made without the support of others. It has always been in the context of relationships that growth has come. As much as I would like to sit quietly by myself and "think things through" until change comes - it has never worked that way for me. That’s just not how change happens.

Making relationships a priority can mean lots of things. For some of us it boils down to ‘keep coming back’. For others it means taking new risks in relationship - not allowing the vulerability of our needs stand in the way of intimacy. For all of us the steps are short ones. Relationships are built one-day-at-a-time. But one-day-at-a-time we can grow in our capacity for intimacy, trust, vulnerability. We can grow in out capacity to give love and to receive love. And that’s worth all the effort. May God grant you the courage you need this day to make one small day-at-a-time step towards healthier relationships.

 

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dealing wi ur dark side....

Dealing with Your Dark Side: Part 1


                 Albert Einstein once said, "For every problem, there is a solution which is simple, logical, straight-forward, and wrong."

Surely that axiom is nowhere truer than in the case of how we Christians deal with our dark side (or rather, how we don’t deal with it). By "dark side" I mean that side of us that we would rather no one ever knows about, the side that seems determined to pull us toward unhealthy, self-destructive behavior.

And yet, there is no more important area for us to be clear-headed about than this. For without understanding how to deal with our dark side, recovery is reduced to little more than a course in "How To Be Socially Appropriate in Public." True change requires us to grapple with our fundamental brokenness.

But unfortunately, Einstein’s Axiom is alive and well in Christendom today! Here are four wildly popular ways in which we Christians seek to deal with our dark side. None of them work.

1. Minimize It

This approach is based on a two-category view of mankind: saints and sinners. Saints, goes this theory, dealt with their dark side (i.e. their "old sin nature") at the time of their salvation. The only people with "serious problems" to work on are the "sinners" - those people outside the sanitized sanctuary of the church.

A pastor friend of mine told me that he wants to develop recovery ministry in his church, but that he is meeting resistance from some church members. One member worried out loud to him about attracting too many divorced and otherwise ‘chronically needy people’ to the church. "What will ‘normal’ people like me do then?" he asked!

That this attitude minimizes the negative power of our dark side is shown by the shock and disbelief among many Christians when "good" people do "bad" things - when seemingly wise, mature, gracious Christian leaders are caught in behaviors that are terribly inconsistent with their callings.

The sobering truth is, Christians have a dark side that’s every bit as active as non-Christians. In his letter to the church at Ephesus, Paul warns that even after we become Christians, our dark side (the "old self") actually becomes even more corrupt, not better!1 We Christians are just as capable of horrific deeds as anyone else. Or, as one wit put it, "We have met the chronically needy, and it is us."

2. Ignore It

This second approach acknowledges the reality of a dark side within us, but believes the best way to deal with it is to "fill your mind with higher things." Some do this by an all-consuming focus on "Who I am in Christ." It’s true that the opportunity to rebuild a damaged self-image by meditating on biblical truth is one of the healthy benefits of the gospel. But despite Christ’s work in our lives, we will remain a mix of light and dark, of strength and weakness, until the day we die. To build a self-image that is composed only of sweetness and light, and leaves out any acknowledgment of our on-going humanity, is just another form of denial.

3. Shame It

Perhaps because we Christians have a hard time accepting ourselves as a combination of light and dark, we reserve our most vitriolic attacks for those individuals (or those parts of ourselves) who show evidence of being fallible. There is a rather sharp contrast between the grace-filled response of Jesus to the woman taken in adultery ( "You, who are without sin, cast the first stone.") and the ways we often pummel ourselves and others with shaming labels like "wicked" and "evil." Ironically, the Bible that is often (mis)used in these shaming attacks clearly states that the "shoulds" and "oughts" of the Law simply don’t work against our negative behavior. Rather than discouraging rebellion, the shaming and legalism actually arouse greater rebellion.2

And, from my own painful experience, shaming our dark side only serves to drive its activities underground, away from the harsh light of criticism, but also away from the healing light of God.

4. Starve It

The ascetics in our midst believe that if you squelch it, stifle it, strangle it, and starve it, our dark side will eventually wither away and, if not die, at least not bother us anymore. What the ascetic finds, however, is that his struggle with the devil often becomes an obsession in itself, much like those that drove monks to sit on flagpoles, or to wear camel-hair underwear.

But there is an even more important truth here. One level down, below that addictive or unhealthy behavior we’re so anxious to stamp out, is a broken place - a wound, probably inflicted in childhood. Until that broken place is healed, the most we can hope for is to switch addictions. Because, like cancer that metastasizes throughout the body, if we only treat the symptoms, it will inevitably pop up somewhere else. It’s new form may be more socially acceptable, such as an addiction to food, or work, or to helping others. But the pain underneath goes untreated. And, as Jeremiah 6:14 says, "You cannot heal a wound by saying it’s not there."

Dealing with Your Dark Side: Part 2


Last summer, my wife and I returned home from a month-long trip to find a foul odor in the house. It didn’t take us long to trace the odor to the refrigerator. Inside, we discovered fuzzy gray mold covering several of the surfaces, and a vegetable crisper full of unrecognizable lumps and putrid black liquid. It took a lot of work, but we eventually got it all scrubbed down, cleaned up and aired out.

We humans have a dark side that’s every bit as malodorous as that mess in our refrigerator. Our dark side is that part of us that pulls us toward unhealthy, self-destructive behavior. Like our refrigerator, it needs to be dealt with. But if I had treated that mess the way we Christians often deal with our dark side, I probably would have approached it in one of the following ways:

1) I’d realize the stench was coming from the refrigerator, but instead of dealing directly with the source of the smell, I would repaint the outside of the refrigerator and spray heavy doses of air freshener around the house. When people would ask, "What’s that funny smell?" I would look at them with wide-eyed innocence and reply, "What smell?" and spray around a little more freshener.

2) I could hire a contractor to wall off the offensive refrigerator in its own dark little room, and hope that the smell didn’t penetrate the walls.

3) If all else failed, I could organize a community-wide campaign against smelly refrigerators. I would express moral outrage over the threat that these refrigerators pose to the public health. (This, of course, would do nothing for the smell in my kitchen, but I would at least be the last person anyone would suspect of owning a smelly refrigerator!)

Unfortunately, as I found out all too painfully in real life, repainting our exteriors and walling off our dark sides in secret little rooms only postpones the cleanup (and doesn’t fool anyone for very long anyway).

Taking the First Step

How can we deal effectively with our dark side? It begins, quite simply, by admitting that we have a smelly refrigerator.

I didn’t take that step easily, or even voluntarily. I had been in Christian ministry for twenty years and was relatively confident that a combination of spiritual zeal, personal Bible study and other self-improvement projects could take care of any impulses that might arise from my sin nature. But my denial was shattered, along with my ministry and my first marriage, when, despite all my good Christian training, I experienced significant personal failure.

On the other side of that firestorm, I found the News to be both much worse, and much better, than I had naively presumed. We Christians do possess a dark side, a propensity toward unhealth, that is stronger than even the most dedicated self-improvement programs. But there is a path toward wholeness that we can walk. It begins by humbly admitting our powerlessness to control our negative urges and behaviors and by throwing ourselves on God and his grace to deliver us. If that sounds simplistic or melodramatic, then you may have to go through what I went through to discover for yourself the Bad News and the Good News that lies on the other side. As Keith Miller says, no one ever truly gets into recovery unless he or she is about to lose something they’re not prepared to live without.

Taking this first step means discarding the obsession with reputation and embracing a less heroic, and a more authentic view of ourselves as people with both a light and a dark side.

One of the most satisfying ministries that my wife and I are involved in is giving workshops for couples. We’ve experienced both joys and struggles in our marriage, and we enjoy helping other couples honestly address their problems and work toward healing. As we were sharing about our couples workshop with a pastor recently, he said, "Don’t you have some way of describing the workshop that doesn’t talk about ‘problems’? If my people have to admit to having problems, I’m quite sure no one will come."

In place of the biblical view that we are all fundamentally broken people, we have somehow developed a kind of sanitized, shrink-wrapped view of the Christian life that makes it shameful to have problems! It may be humbling, but it’s not a step of shame to admit that we’re broken. It means stepping into the company of believers throughout history on whom God bestowed the highest praise: the Patriarch Jacob, whose dark side showed itself in lying and deception; Moses, whose dark side erupted in uncontrolled anger and murder; and King David, whose dark side expressed itself in adultery and murder.

John, in his first epistle, puts it plainly, "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us."1 New Age philosophy tries to take the shame out of being broken by saying, "I’m OK; you’re OK." By contrast, the Bible takes the shame out of being broken by saying: "I’m not OK, you’re not OK. . . and that’s OK." It’s okay to admit that you’re afflicted with a deadly Sin-disease, and that you’re not immune just because you’ve put your faith in Christ.

Admitting that I have a dark side - that the "mess in my refrigerator" is far worse than anyone could imagine - is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It may be for you, too. But don’t let the fear of losing your reputation hold you back. Those who know you best probably already think that something smells funny.

Dealing with Your Dark Side: Part 3

Another respected Christian leader has an affair (this time, radio Bible teacher David Hocking). Another spasm of shock shudders through the Christian community. Over and over, we Christians are shocked and surprised when "good" people do "bad" things.

But Scripture makes it clear that we all possess a dark side, despite our faith in Christ. That dark underbelly of our human nature is dauntingly strong and fiercely resistant to taming. "Wretched man that I am," wails the apostle Paul, "The good that I want to do, I don’t do. But I practice the very evil I don’t want to do!"1

Dealing with our dark side is nothing less than civil war, and, unfortunately, it’s a war we’ll wage until the day we die.

How can we effectively deal with our dark side? There are at least six steps. We will discuss the first three in this column and the remaining three in the next issue. All of them require a special measure of courage, but in my experience, anything less is like charging hell with a squirt gun.

1. Acknowledge the Insanity

This step is about breaking denial, about achieving a new level of honesty about ourselves. We Christians are so used to describing our lives the way we think they should be, rather than the way they truly are.

The 12 Steps says that the healing process begins by acknowledging - not just that we occasionally have a problem here or there - but that our lives have become "unmanageable," and that we need God to "restore us to sanity."

I was re-reading Keith Miller’s excellent book A Hunger for Healing recently, in preparation for leading a 12 Step group in a local church. In his chapter on Step 1 of the 12 Steps, Miller talks about the symptoms that might indicate one’s life has become "unmanageable" and "insane." After listing symptoms such as "irritation and blaming," "uncontrollable, exaggerated feelings," and "forgetting to do the things that nurture our relationships," Miller summarizes:

We’re frantic all the time. We’ve got more to do that we can handle. But we’re not really conscious of how hectic and confused our lives are; we think it’s temporary and ‘normal.’ When it becomes clear that it isn’t temporary, we become depressed about our lack of ability to ‘get straightened out. . .’ This frustration and confusion are common symptoms of powerlessness and unmanageability.

A tingle of shock ran through me as I read. I recognized all of those symptoms as being my own. He was describing my frantic, stress-filled, out-of-control life! I had brushed the symptoms aside as "temporary" or "the fault of someone else." But somehow, my own denial had cracked and I saw that I was responsible for the chaos. What had started as preparation to lead others became a humbling spiritual breakthrough for me.

2. Identify Your Pattern

One recovery veteran I know defines "insanity" as "repeating the same behavior over and over and each time expecting different results."

As I looked at the symptoms of insanity in my own life I began to see a pattern of self-defeating behavior emerge. I saw that I regularly go through a cycle of overcommitting to some gargantuan project, task or goal. I then press my wife Marsha into service to help me (because the project is too big for me to accomplish alone), and then watch both of us burn out as we collapse on the other side.

Three years ago I crammed a new marriage, a new job and building a new house into one year, followed by us both collapsing. Two years ago I volunteered (and encouraged my wife to volunteer) to plan and organize a major regional recovery conference while simultaneously upgrading and expanding this magazine, followed by us both collapsing. And this past year we made yet another major move and launched a completely new ministry! Despite the obviously dysfunctional pattern, I was blind to see it from the inside while going through it because of the power of denial.

I have always lived life in the margins. It’s a product of the "Hero" role I’ve cultivated in life - overachieving in order to garner other’s approval and praise. The energy to play out that kind of dysfunctional role comes entirely from my dark side. But my mid-life body and psyche have been telling me for some time that they can no longer tolerate the levels of abuse I periodically put them through. Nor can my wife.

It was a sobering moment when I acknowledged that the stress and insanity in my life were not the result of "special circumstances." I had brought these situations on m